we're in this together now

I can't sleep. I've been lying in my guestbed for over an hour and a half and I just can't fall back asleep. The reason is that I've been drinking some rum and coke, but I only had about two glasses. I hate that when I get buzzed and then I fall asleep early and wake up a few hours later. I don't know why it keeps me awake like this.

I'm over at Sheri's right now. This is the first day I've seen her since I've been back. We went to D & B's w/Rich and Nick, but only stayed for about an hour b/c we went late b/c we all got behind today b/c of me and Jeff. I could've been ontime if it wasn't for Jeff.

Jeff and I officially started going out the night I came back. I got back before him, after almost missing my 2nd plane back to Santa Ana and then having to find my own ride home after Sheri and Rich's car broke down on the way to getting me. So I was bored and tired since I had only gotten a few hours sleep the night before I came back, so I ended up napping in my bed til almost 8:00 after getting home at around 3:50 and eating something. Jeff was on his way back by then and showed up at about 8:15. I was outside talking on my cell when I saw the car pull up and some guys walk out. I knew it was Jeff though, and then I saw him walk out, up onto his porch, and then look over at me, wearing his ICP visor and a new goatee, lol, but he looked so cute. He was carrying some of his stuff, but he walked over to the edge of my porch (I was off the phone by this time) and I knelt down, put my legs around his waste and kissed and hugged him, and told him I missed him and all that. I know he loves me a lot. He missed me a lot too. So anyway, I can't remember what we did after he got his stuff settled in and we smoked two bowls at once w/his sister, her bf, and his brother Jeremy, but we were in bed later that night, and he had asked me if I could break my promise to him earlier which was to never go out w/him and I said yes, I would, so then we were going out and we were happy.

Well that didn't last too long b/c the next evening I get a phone call when me and Jeff r trying to watch Pirates and it ends up being Dickhead Dave trying to say he only wanted to save the friendship but everybody believes he's only out here b/c he still wants a relationship w/me, so I don't know. I had to go to that counselor and talk about what went on w/me and him and she helped me set things straight and said he has all the symptoms of a stalker. At least by how he was acting before so she told me to just be cautious and to break off all ties w/him and if he calls me, to keep telling him I can't be his friend and I can't talk to him and then hang up on him if I have to. Everybody's watching out for me though. Nokie, one of the housing guys, the only one besides Johnny, was concerned about me too, but I told him everything's been fine w/that.

But anyway, Dave calls, I don't hang up on him right away b/c I'm too curious to hear what he has to say and I wanted to resolve this shit in some way, but Jeff tried to come over and hang the phone up on him, but I just didn't want him to interfer so I said no, Jeff got pissed, packed a bowl, and left. A few min. later I finally hung up on Dave, hating him for making my new bf mad at me, and I tried to find Jeff, but he wasn't anywhere outside or at his house, so I was like well I guess I'll just wait for him to come back, and I kept trying his cell, but he finally turned it back on and it rang, he picked up, and acted a lil' nonchalant and told me he was playing video games and that he'd come over after he was done. He was playing football or some shit over at Benny's and drinking. Then when he finally wandered over, we had a fight and he said "I want all or nothing" like he's been saying, which basicly means he doesn't want to work out any problems and freaks out over nothing and acts like he wants to break up even though I know he loves me and doesn't want to live w/o me anymore. But we resolved all that, and I told him I'd never talk to Dave again unless it was to say that I couldn't talk to him and that he needed to just focus on himself.

I realized lately Jeff needs to learn how to work out problems and not act immature and stupidly when sumthing he thinks goes wrong, but I haven't really done anything yet. He's starting the bullshit in this relationship even though that night he was telling me how much he didn't want it and that I was putting him thru it again, so he almost broke up w/me just b/c I was talking to Dave in what he considers a nice way, but I wasn't being nice at all. I told him I was busy and that I didn't want to talk to him at all right then and I told him I had a new bf and he tried to pull that shit on me like "oh god u already have a bf?? It's only been a month!" And I was like "So? That's long enough and it's been two months." So he's still being retarded and I'm not going to see him anymore. I fucking hate him everytime he tries to contact me so I hope he doesn't anymore.

So anyway, then Jeff and I have been w/each other every night and having lots of sex, which I want to cool down on since everything's been happening. But he tried some metal handcuffs a few nights ago and it was nice. I got to get a lil' bit of my anger out on him over what had happened the other night when Dave had called b/c he said I was pathetic for not being able to say no to people and be stronger about it, and that kinda hurt me, so I called him pathetic and told him he needed to be a man for me and all this shit while he was chained up in this chair, and I slapped him a lil' and shit and did some other things. But it was funny also later on when I did sumthing he thought was halarious, although I don't know what, and it was after sex when we were still both naked and I started hitting him all over and then I got his belt and started whipping him w/it all over his legs, ass, and back and arms, as he sat there on the floor laughing his ass off, so I don't know. Ha.

But yeah last night we got into another ridiculous fight b/c we had went over to Greg's and Nick's new aprt. after stealing a paddle boat and paddle-boating over here, meanwhile I'm sitting in duck shit and piss, haha, and I got it on my (Jeff's) hoodie and my pants and purse. It sucked, but Jeff just laughed at me and let me wear his hoodie. But we're sitting over there, after renting Underworld and almost being done w/watching it at my house and getting very rudely interrupted by Christina, April, and Tev, so we left and Greg said we could watch it over at his house so we just started it over so Jeff could understand it better and Nick and Greg could watch it from the beginning to get a better understanding of it, but Greg left halfway thru it to get his laundry and he folded it and all that there so he missed a lot of it. So yeah, we watched that and then played Mario Gocarts which I was new to after playing it the night before on Laura's game cube, and then Jeff said he was tired and was wanting to leave, but I had a sweet fix, and Greg busted out the ice cream and I asked him if I could eat some w/him and we both got spoons and ate out of the carton. It was some reesce peanut butter shit, but Jeff was actin' all weird and told us all that he didn't feel too good and was leaving, but I said "Hey, hold on a min. I'll come w/u" but he was just like "U can find ur own way home" so I was like wtf cuz we were just hanging out, and then I stay over there maybe 15 more min., get a call from Ann-Marie, but I just heard the message thing, so I called her back after on my message machine she's like "Heather, I'm really worried about u, where r u? R u ok?" and I knew sumthing was up, so I called her back and she told me that Jeff was really pissed and gave her my pictures that he had of me saying "Here, I think she'll appreciate these more than me" and called me a slut too, and I could barely believe that, but she told me to meet her on the way back, so I did, then she drageed me back over to Greg's and Nick's to ask Nick, the sober one, what had happened, and Nick told her what I did, "Nothing happened. We were all just hanging out and talking and he left, acting like he was sick." So we went back and Ann-Marie comforted me and told me I shouldn't talk to Jeff since he called me that for no reason, and I agreed, and she told me she'd get my stuff for me, since I had a bunch of it over at Jeff's since I had been staying the night over there and she didn't want me to have to talk to him b/c she said he didn't deserve it and I agreed. So she went over there and my shit was already outside the door, and she knocked on it to get some of my other shit or just talk to Jeff, and he was like "Why doesn't she come over here herself and talk to me?!" And Ann-Marie told him that she wasn't going to let him talk to me that night and she told him that it was fucked up what he called me, but that was before when she saw him all pissed off and she told him "If u really love this girl, u'll tell me what happened" and he just tried to say I was acting like a slut, but I wasn't at all. I was just being high, being stupid. So I decided I wasn't going to get high w/him around other people again b/c he has an unreasonable jealousy problem.

But I didn't talk to him at all last night, Ann-Marie got most of my stuff for me, and I slept alone in my own bed and had bad nightmares about him leaving me and all this. The next day I got up, got ready for school, and left for the bus. On my way I saw that he had left me some messages so I listend he said he was sorry for calling me a slut but that I knew what I did (which was nothing!) and that it was fucked up and he said I obviously didn't care about him but that he still loved me, and I was like uggh, and then listened to the next one and he basically was telling me that he didn't deserve me anyway b/c he couldn't provide me w/anything, but I thought that was stupid too b/c I love him for him, not for what all he does for me. Only in what he does for me w/his actions and stuff, but I don't need him to take me out to restaurants all the time and all this shit, but he still feels bad for all that.

Anyway, so I get on the bus, go to school early, and check my Utopia account in the comp. room that me and him usually go to, and he ends up walking in which I had a feeling would happen and asks if he can sit by me and I said yeah, and he told me he was sorry about last night and that he shouldn't have called me that but he can't control his anger, and I told him he needs to, and I asked him what he thought happened, and he kept saying that we were just flirting or sumthing like that basically, just general statements, and I said, "I don't think we did any of that. I was just hanging out w/my friends. I have no attraction to them whatsoever, give me an example of what happened." He said he couldn't think of one or sumthing, and I said "No, if ur so mad, I want to know why. Give me an example of what happened!" So he said Nick was saying sumthing about how I like to suck cock or sumthing and that Greg was too or sumthing, but I don't think they said anything about penises all night. I wasn't that high, I knew what was going on, and Ann-Marie had even asked them and they didn't say anything like that. So I told Jeff that I didn't think that happened and he needed to be sure, but he just said he wasn't going to talk to them anymore, but I don't know. He might. At least to Greg, b/c Greg's a nice guy. But anyway, I had to be getting to class so he walked me to my class, and asked me if I forgave him and told me that he loved me, and I said "yes, I forgive u" and kissed him and all that and we made plans to meet in the student lounge after class.

I didn't see him at all on any breaks, so I waited for him after getting out 40 min. early, having a feeling that he wasn't going to show up, and this guy from one of my other classes, Con. Storytelling, Julian, talked to me, and ended up offering me a ride home. Laura's in my class too, which was Life Drawing and Gesture today, or rather yesterday, and offered to give me rides on that day, but I turned her down yesterday to wait on Jeff, so that kinda pissed me off that he made me wait when I had to get home b/c my aunt was going to be picking me up, but when I got home and had to pack real quick, Sheri got there right after me and told me Rich and her went to my school looking for me b/c they thought they could pick me up early but I didn't know b/c my cell phone battery was dead and off plus I can't really use it anyway b/c I'm over on my min. now from calling Jeff on it so much over the break. But I went over to Jeff's asking him where was he since I waited for him and it made me late and he was like "I got outta school an hour early and told Joe to tell u. He didn't tell u?" And I was like "Fuck, that guy isn't going to tell me, he's weird. He doesn't like, and I didn't even see him." So he was just like sorry and asked me to call him, looking kinda desperate in his eyes, and I said I didn't know b/c I'd have to use Sheri's phone since I can't use mine and he tried to give me a phone card but I told him that wouldn't work and gave it back to him since Sheri only has a cell, and he looked all desperate or sumthing I guess is the way to describe it. Just longing I guess. He tried to kiss me goodbye and I gave him a kiss, but he was like "I want a real kiss" which means tongue and I didn't want to, so he got all "eugghh" about that and was like "fine I thought u forgave me. I love u, bye." w/a scowl in his tone. And I was like "Well I don't know, we'll see. I have to go, don't be like that. Bye." and I just left, but I called him later last night after stealing Nick's phone after he dosed off on the couch since Sheri couldn't find hers, and Jeff was really happy that I did b/c he didn't think I was going to, but I kinda was telling him that he needs to stop making problems and he needs to be more mature if he wants to be in this relationship w/me and he was like "I know, I know." But we got things more resolved.

Well on other news I'm utterly poor right now and Jeff and I went out filling out job applications on Thursday, but we both really want to work at Pizza Hut, but they didn't have any applications so we were supposed to come back Friday morning but neither of us did after all that had happened. Jeff said he actually tried to talk to me earlier yesterday before school but I had already left, so that's why he figured I was in the comp. room at school.

Well I'm going to go, I know this thing must be pretty long by now.

"U and me, we're in this together now. None of them can stop us now. We will make it thru somehow. U and me, if the world should break in two. Until the very end of me, until the very end of u."-NIN