"U could have it all, my empire of dirt."

I had a dream about Dave last night. I knew I would b/c after I finally got 2 rolls of my film back a pic of me and him standing together was the first one I looked at. I forgot all about that picture my mom took. His arm was around my waste.. It was towards the end of school, but before he cut his hair. Then I saw the other one I took of him in the hallway at school, he looked very nice in them both. I'll prolly still end up talking to him, but I don't know what's best. To be completely honest or just tell him to fuck off. But anyway, here's the dream: We were in school and I guess I didn't tell him about my feelings lately and we were walking towards lunch, and I guess he said sumthing that finally made me come out w/the truth. He kneeled down at first, into a kneeling sitting position on the floor feeling bad, and I knelt down beside him and put my arms around him and said, "I still think that we could get married one day or fall in love again, but i just can't be around u thru ur changing phases." Stuff like that. He got his lunch before me and sat down somewhere (the cafeteria looked like my elementary school one), and I was thinking about still sitting by him to make sure he was ok, but I sat down at the end of some closer table by myself, not even looking where he was. After I got done eating, I finally looked around for him, and there he was in a table almost diagonal to me sitting w/freaks like Adam and other faces that weren't clear in my dream. That's the most significant part of the dream, but there was a lil' more.

Oh yeah, and I have pics of Ruby and me and our teachers too! God, Ruby, I forgot how long ur hair was getting. I look bad in some, but good in others. The ones of my CA trip were nice too. I only have 2 pics w/me and Sheri in them though. I wish I would've taken some around their apt. like had Nick take some of Sheri, me, and Rich on the couch. I forgot to get the pic of their marajuanna plant alos.

The subject quote is by NIN, of course. My favorite song by them. The one I listen to when I'm most hurt by sumthing. "I will let u down, I will make u hurt." Guess that's what Dave does to me. I "try to kill it all away, but I remember everything." That's why I'm thinking of not even bothering w/drugs. I'll still remember. Just like the Manson song, also, "But all the drugs in this world, won't save her from herself." I'm not really depressed right now though, but that is the stuff I listen to when I am.

So I'm leaving here on a plane in 2 days. I hate saying goodbyes but I do want to go home. They always make it too boring here. There's never enough stuff to do like there would be in CA. That's why I love that place, many things to do and I can do them all w/Sheri (except for the things I can't get into cuz i'm not 18 or 21 yet).

"I am so impure.." -NIN