they fail to see the anguish in my eyes

I am the stupidest person alive. I hate myself right now. It's all over sumthing stupid too. And it's all my fault! I had been telling Dave to take me to Spunk for the last month now and today was going to be the day he was going to do it. Well, I took a shower around 11:00 today or sumthing, then got online for an hour. Got off at around 12:50 and tried calling Dave. The first time it was busy. Unusual. The 2nd time, right before my mom and I were about to leave b/c she wanted to go to the closing sale at Service Merchandise and I figured why not, and then Dave and I could go out after. Well I tried calling the 2nd time and his FUCKING DUMBASS AUNT was on the phone ONCE AGAIN and was like "Well, I'm on the other line" LIKE ALWAYS!!!! "And plus, Dave's in the shower." Well, I should've just told her right then and there to tell him I was leaving and I'd be back in an hour or two, but NO! DID I? NOOOO! All I said was, "Fine, I'll call back later" as in when I get back. Well, we got back at 3:20 and I looked on caller ID and sure enough, Dave had called not long after I left at 1:18 and I left at 1:00 and he called like 7 more times after that. The last at 2:14 and I called him back but either his stupid aunt answered or his Grandma, it's hard to tell the diff. b/t their voices, and told me he had actually came OVER to my HOUSE to see if I was home, but no, of course I wasn't! I was OUT! B/c I'm a fuckin' retard and I hate myself! I almost wish I would just die right now, I'm no good for him. I got so upset as soon as I heard that, and just restating is making me cry again, and I cried for 20 min. after that, hysterically b/c I really wanted to go and it made me mad that he had left w/o me and I caused so much trouble for nothing. Oh god, I don't deserve to live for my stupidity. How could he leave w/o me, and how could I be so stupid to go out when I knew I would be going out w/him today?? When he calls I don't know how I'll react, I don't want to yell at him b/c of MY STUPIDITY. But I'm definitely not in the mood to hear about the WONDERFUL CLOTHES he got there! God why was I born and why am I going out w/someone? I'm too pathetic to bother anyone else in life. I ruin every stupid situation. I'm going to look back and read this and see how dumb I really am. I'm such a crybaby on top of it. I cry my heart out over the stupidest shit sumtimes. I hate him for leaving w/o me and I hate myself for not calling earlier and for leaving. I also hate his Aunt for not letting me talk to him, but I was the one who should've passed along the message. It was important to me to go out w/him today and I ruined it. What more is there to say? I don't want to go w/that stupid fucker Chuck anyway. They actually came to my house! It makes me cry more, Dave must've tried so hard to find me and get me to go and it makes me wish this hadn't happened even more. WHY?? Why did he have to come to my house?? I wonder if he even tried to get them to wait, and his stupid mom was prolly the one, or Chuck, that said they had to go now or not go. He should've not went. I hate him for that. He should've waited until tomorrow or another weekend since he knew I wanted to go really bad, but it doesn't matter cuz I'M THE FUCKER WHO FUCKED EVERYTHING UP! I didn't even know they were still going cuz his stupid mom didn't have her checks in anyway!!! She said she'd have to see if she could get them or take the 80 bucks in the bank. I was waiting for his call!!! I should've called last night but I was too fucking tired! AHHHHH! Let me DIE!