Stand By Me

It must've been wonderful to have such close friendships back then. Everyone has them sometimes, but I never did. I used to wish and wish, and sumtimes still do, that I would have a group of close friends, I suppose girls, one's that weren't preppy or anything. Just normal and would understand me, and I would understand them and we'd all understand each other, and could talk to each other about anything. I never had that. It still makes me sad. Now the only close connections I have w/people r my best friend, Ruby, and my other best friend and ex-lover, Dave. I love them both, but it's not the same. Btw, I'm referring to the movie, Stand By Me, which was just on tv, and is perhaps one of the best movies ever made about friendship and hard times.

U can now disregard the last entry, I was mad at Ruby for being mad at me yesterday although I never said I forgave her. It still makes me mad, and she never apologized for actually yelling in my face about it, so oh well. Friendships can't always be happy.

Last night I thought since I keep letting myself hurt over Dave and this girl, Alex, he's been liking for a while, even before we went out again, I'm just going to stop it all. Stop my bitter talking, stop talking to him that much at all, but I don't know. I see it in my mind, but it's too hard to do. I love Dave, but since we can't ever stay together, no matter how hard I try, maybe I should just stop holding that spot in my heart for him that he WILL be the one to marry me. From now on, it's all up to chance again. I won't hold it for someone who can't even hold it for me. But I understand. I'm going to go on like he's trying to do and see what's out there, and not hold back. Maybe me and Dave weren't meant for each other. There r still some things that r immature about him, the same things that I love too, but sumtimes, just don't need to happen, so I'm going to look for someone a bit more mature.

I might've found a good person in Dave's other best friend besides me, Sid. Before, Sid was this asshole goth/freak, who would use Dave in their frienship, but now he has softened, and briefly quit drugs, but is back to them now. As long as they don't make him an asshole, I guess I'm ok w/it. So far, we've spent two nights in a row together, last night, and the one before. Not much time, only 1 hour and a half the first night, then about 40 min. last night. It's b/c he works on a third shift job since he dropped out of school at the beginning of the year, and he sleeps all day and wakes up b/t 3:00 and 6:00 or so.

Last night, we got pulled over by a cop for speeding at 37 in a 25 limit zone, and plus sumthing was wrong w/his tail light or sumthing. Right before that, when we were still coming out of where I live, he said "Dave told me u said I didn't talk a lot." and I was like damnit! in my head b/c I didn't want him to know I said that. (Part of the reason I never called Dave last night besides thinking of taking a break from calling each other everyday and being mad at him for earlier, but I'll explain that later.) I felt bad and said "That's not what I meant exactly, it wasn't like that, I didn't want him to tell u that!" But he said it was okay, and after the cop pulled us over he says,"Well I'm getting off to a bad start. First I don't talk a lot and now I get pulled over." I just laughed and nudged his arm, and said "No, don't say that, it's fine." But it was only the first time he got pulled over anyway. After that, we went to the Speedway where he works and he got a Cappacino, and gave me a coupon for a free one, but I didn't get one, b/c that's one of my weird flaws. I can't do things around other people, but I don't want to talk about it. I'm too pathetic and don't want people to know this cuz I don't even know if Dave found that out about me. But anyway, last night it was pouring down rain after we left too. After we were done there, we went back to my house so he could drop me off and head to work (He had to be there at 10:00 and it was 9:30). Two freaks were at Speedway too and the short guy asked me where I got my "shirt" and I told him "It's part of a dress I got at Kohl's a while back." And he was like "oh." And I got in Sid's car. It was cool. lol.

Another thing that's funny is Sid told me he doesn't wear underwear. He likes to feel "free". lol, but I'm ok w/that. Easier access, lmao.

Anyway, the night before was when I first called him, and it took me like 15 min. to get up the nerve to do it. It was hard to understand him cuz he had just woken up and it's still hard to understand him a lil' when he talks. But he does have a pretty voice. I asked him for a demo tape of his that night, and have listened to it atleast 5 times since. I love it. I'm so happy when I play it at night before I go to sleep and think, he's so cool and a great musician... And I can just see myself so happy w/him. But I don't know whether it's b/c I'm just wanting to be inlove or I actually am liking him a lot. I do feel infactuated w/him, and last night was even better w/him than the other night, when we sat in my living room watching Half Baked and talking about movies here and there. The first night we didn't talk as much as I wanted to, b/c he said he would come over and have an intellectual conversation but it never happened, so that's what dissappointed me I guess, but it doesn't matter. There's time for that. He's looking for a serious relationship and I think I'm ready to go into one w/another person besides Dave. Dave's already had like 3 and I've only had one and that was of course, w/Dave. So now I want to see if I can make it work w/someone else just as good or better than the one I had w/Dave. I just don't want Sid to know all my flaws like Dave does. It's so embarressing, I hope Dave never tells him any like how I actually do fart (lol hard to even say on this thing) and that I can act pretty stupid sumtimes and how corny I can sound when I'm trying to say things to turn on guys, but it's just me goofing around. But I don't think I'll ever do those things w/Sid. The only one I would do is let myself get a lil' goofy around him, but I don't want him thinking I am a fool or annoying. I hope that if he ever sees me naked, that he won't be like "eww" and he'll accept my body as well as Dave did. I noticed at Speedway last night that he is very very skinny, he's like a stick. I didn't think he was THAT thin before and he doesn't have much of an ass. Kinda like Eddie, but I think he's worse. But it doesn't really bother me, it just surprised me. I accept all diff. body types, lol. I just love his personality. I just remembered sumthing I love about his voice. The way he talks when he's telling me sumthing and he goes "And" and it's in the sexiest tone, like a sophisticated tone or sumthing, oo god! I want him and it's only been two days!

Tonight is my chorus concert and I told him if he gets up before 6:00 to call me and we can try hanging out for a longer period of time today before I have to leave and he said alright. If we can't hang out I know we can on Monday or Tuesday since he's off work. I wonder when he's going to have band practice though. I can handle 2 nights a week on that, but anymore and it'll be pushing it. Maybe we can hang out tomorrow, too. I don't want to hang out w/him like 5 days in a row though, I'm afraid he'll get sick of me. I just hope he likes me so far. Oh yeah, last night when I gave him a hug in the car, I wasn't sure if he was going to try to kiss me or not. It looked like it a lil', but I could be mistaken. I do want to take this one slower.

Oh, I forgot to mention how me and Sid started hanging out. Sid has started liking me for the past few weeks or more b/c Dave had pics of me and he just fell inlove w/them or sumthing and thought I was hot, so finally Dave gave him a pic of me a few days ago and Sid told him to give me his number, so I called him up and we started hangin' out. Well, gtg and do my hw. I need to catch up on sketches I never did for art.