infactuation at its high

Oh I had the happiest surprise last night. Sid never called so I got ready for my concert and we were busy rehearsing nonstop for an hour before it, and after we had started and had sang two songs, I finally looked out into the audience to look for my mom and I saw some of the preppy girls in my English class and next to them I thought it might be Harrison, cuz I figured since his gf's in choir he would be there, plus he was standing be preps. But it didn't look like Harrison, he looked taller, thinner, and I thought I made out some dark facial hair on him and I started to get a lil' excited and happy thinking it could be Sid, but I wasn't sure. When Mrs. Peters was talking about the Housing for the Ou mens choir she had the lights turned up in the audience to honor the people housing them and I looked at the guy leaning against the wall by the door again and I was right. It was Sid! I was so happy, but I was hoping he didn't think I looked gay up there. I don't think he did. lol.

After we had sang and gradually made our way down to our seats in front after the men's choir got up on stage and after two or three of their songs were sang, one of the girls in my choir said, "Someone's outside who want's to see u." I knew it was Sid, and got up to walk out, made eye contact w/my mother across the room, and found Sid waiting for me outside the doors by the autotorium drinking fountains. I said "What r u doing here? (jokingly and added) I didn't say u could come!" But it really meant alot to me that he did cuz no other bf of mine or friend for that matter, took the time to come to one of my concerts. A few min. later, my mom walks out thinking I was ready to leave, which I was going to leave anyway, cuz I didn't want to make Sid wait for them to sing and I figured he was planning to hang out w/my afterwards and before he went to work. So I went home to change, he ran out to do some errands, got back at 9:00 and we just chilled in my room, talking, for a half hour. He looked thru my cds and when he saw my shitty ones I wanted to get rid of, I told him not to look at them, but he picked them up anyway, smiling, and started to, and I got up trying to get them from him but he just put them over his head, laughing at my Spice Girls and Britney cds, lol, but I didn't mind that much. I got to touch him a lil', when I tried to get them from him and i just slowly brought my hand back down.. Sigh.. mm I want to touch him so much more than that. I want to kiss him and lie w/him in my bed. But I don't have much of a desire to screw him b/c I don't want to think about that stuff, even though I pity him for not getting any in like over a year.

Once again, I have listened to his demo tape like over 20 times, just so I can hear his voice and his beautiful music. It's the kind of music that I would make, if I was good enough to do it. There's sumthing we both have in common that I found out the other night, but forgot to mention. He started saying on the phone that he felt like a spectator, like just somebody watching what's going on when he's out w/his friends and I told him I get those same feelings, b/c I feel like I'm not a real human being but more of an observer and that's my reason to be here. Possibly make things better, I don't know. But I was really happy to know someone else is like that. Ruby's like that a lil' too though. But, I just really really really like Sid and I hope that if we do go out, which is a pretty sure thing, that we never end in bitterness or hate. I hate that relationships have to end anyway. I hate thinking about that. How could I not stay w/him? He's so great and I already get the feeling he's better than all the rest.