love is bad for me

Ruby and I have finally patched things up. I feel somewhat better now but there is still this fear in me that won't go away and it doesn't just have to do w/our fight. It's a lot more broad than that. I have too many fears right now. It doesn't help when I'm already a paranoid person. I wish I knew the answers to things, but I hardly have any.

The History AP Test is next Friday and I'm studying the multiple choice questions as much as I can. The outlines just overwhelm me by looking at them and I'm scared I won't be able to do the essays or the DBQ on Friday. Our Project COOL for English is due next Wed. too and I just hope I do a good job on that. I need to work on that over the weekend and I think I'll try to get it done now so I don't have to worry about it next Mon. and Tues. and I can concentrate on history. Atleast I won't have to be here for the first day of exams since it will be history, english, and then art, and I'm going to exempt art.

This past week atleast Dave has been trying to quit smoking and I just found out a few days ago. But that was just the beginning of what I had to find out. Anyway, so I decided to help him by trying to make sure he doesn't smoke as much as possible and we got in a fight this last Tues. night when he was over here hanging out and sneaking hits from my mom and then Wed. as we were walking out of school he asked that fat Adam for one and I said "U don't need that!" and he turned around and yelled in my face "Shut up, u don't know what it's like!" or some shit like that and I tried to just walk away to my bus and he was holding me there and I was getting very upset and told him "fuck u" or sumthing like that and walked to my bus. He wasn't far behind me and when I turned to get to my bus he yelled "Bye!" in that way like I was the one being rude, but I wasn't going to take his shit so I muttered back "Yeah right, like u care" and got on my bus. I felt very emotional (b/c I AM weak) and I started to cry very silently w/just tears coming down my face and had to control it until I got home when I could let it out more. When I was on the bus I kept thinking "It's going to keep being like this b/c it's going to take him atleast 2 weeks for him to stop being bitchy. Maybe I should just break up w/him for now." And I kept thinking that after I got home so when he called to ask if I was mad I didn't want him to know yet cuz he was on his way to his job interview at Arby's and I knew it would screw him up so I said I was fine and of course him being such a dumbass and out of tune to my feelings actually bought it. And when he got back he told me he got the job but he'd be working every single day except Thursdays and that's when he'd see his dad, so I said "I don't think we should go out anymore. We're not going to see each other any way and I can't deal w/the way u act when ur trying to quit smoking." Right before I said that he was saying how he thought I might break up w/him over that, kinda jokingly in the way he is, and then he said he wouldn't like that, so I paused and he told me to talk and that's when I said it. And of course, since everything works out the way I DON'T want it to, he didn't stop me either, but I told him I was just thinking about it, but he kept pushing it on me that we might as well say that's how it was for now then talk about it later. So we hang up w/each other, Sid calls me from Dave's house a few min. later and told me how I was a dumbass for breaking up w/him, which was inapropriate of him, but I talked to him anyway and then they went out and Dave called me back and wouldn't even let me take back what I said. And of course it's always the same old fucking bullshit w/him. He wants to be alone right now and he doesn't want anyone to touch him not even his family or me. So he rejected me AGAIN! What a fucking surprise! I told him he couldn't break up w/me again b/c I wouldn't let him go back out w/me and I'd say it was really him who ended up breaking up w/me b/c I just wanted to make him feel bad, the evil one that I am. I just want him to see how it feels to be me for once and that's why I threw out to him that I wanted to break up. I wanted him to beg me that I shouldn't but I knew he wasn't the type. That he would just say "I accept that" which he basically did and said he understood. So blah, blah, things r shit, but we still of course say we will talk to each other. I cry that night. I go to school Thurs. bringing him his water bottle back that he left at my house but of course, it wasn't important so I felt worthless, and I walked away. He wasn't even standing by my door like he usually does. I had to walk down to his room. What the fuck is up w/that? It seems to me when we're not going out, then he doesn't give a fuck less about me. He just closes himself off and doesn't show me his emotions which I kept trying to force out of him, but he just said "I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve but I still do love u and care about u. I just don't want to be touched." I'm so sick of his back and forth bullshit. I just cannot absolutely not take him back easily next time. If there wasn't all this other shit involved, I would, b/c then it would jsut be about minor complicationgs, but I asked him again and again after I asked him back out whether he was sure of what he was doing and he said yes and that he wanted me, so I went back out w/him, but here he is doubting himself and his wants again. I just can't take it! He says he's not sure if he really wants to be alone or w/someone and I told him from the evidence, that he doesn't like to be alone and that he's like me and needs someone and we are the most perfect people for each other, but he WON'T LISTEN! Why? I'm older and I am wiser, I know what he will do. Oh god, what if he will always be like this? I could never marry a man like that and I told him that around a week ago. It scares me so much, I can't trust him. So definitely w/him I will go out w/him straight for 5 years and move in together before I ever even think about marrying him cuz he has committment problems and I don't know if it's just b/c of his childhood or him also. I think it may be him also and it pisses me off. So there's nothing else I can say except he's once again a dumbass for doing this to the woman he loves the most in the whole world and the one that loves him the most in the whole world also.

Oh and I'm not talking to him at all right now since yesterday b/c when I tried to talk to him b/t classes it wan't as great b/c the only reason we did that was so we could be w/each other and touch and shit and he doesn't want that now anyway. And at lunch, after mine and before his, I told him how I cried Tues. on the bus, just to see if he cared, but of course he didn't show anything and I said "well?" and he replied "I know what ur doing, trying to play ur mind games and trying to get sympathy. I'm not going to play ur games." And I got pissed off and said "whatever" and walked to class. Haven't talked to him since. To me, he doesn't deserve my fucking attention for all the fucking hurt he puts me thru and he thinks that all I want is sympathy! I just want to see his soul like I do when we're going out! Every time we break up he blocks me off and we're not as connected and that's why I always end up getting pissed off at him. I just wanted him to say he WAS sorry cuz it was his fault I was crying and I also said it cuz I always want him to know every aspect of my life and every emotion I go thru, but he doesn't get that, even though I've said that a lot before. He still leads a separate life from me and that pisses me off alot when that comes up in our relationship cuz that's not what I'm in it for and I think we WERE too serious for that, but oh well. He doesn't WANT seriousness! Fucking bullshit! I'm done!

My life DOES suck.