and then it came again

I was online. The only reason I was still on was to see if my new friend, queenmorphine, would be on and I could tell her I was back and make plans, but then he came on and IMed me. I got the IM before I even realized that he had come online. My heart started pounding and I still was undecided on what to do w/Dave b/c I still cared for him (I always do) yet I hated him b/c of everything he's done to me. All the shit that he's fucked up w/us. Yet I know the hate comes from love. So therefore, u should all know how strong my hate is for him b/c my love is so strong also. So he kept asking me if I was home yet and I kept avoiding the question b/c I wanted to come home for a few days before being detected. And I told him he should get his head and pot cuz I didn't want it anymore, so he said he'd come by "now" and get it IF I was home. So I finally indirectly said that I was here, thru the conversation, and Murph drove him over here. He said he was crying too when he was talking to me online b/c I was being pretty cold w/him and told him I was done w/his shit.

So after they got here, I went to hug Murph after giving Dave his head and pot back, and then said, "Well, do u want to talk or what?" in a bad tone and then we walked up at the end of my street and I went off on Dave, but not as much as I would've liked, but I got everything that's been happening lately (and the rest of our history) off my chest and he basically didn't have reasons or excuses, which I told him still left me unresolved (probably my most hated feeling in the whole world.). He told me his gf was in the hospital b/c she tried to commit suicide. (ha and I figured it was that) and I kept saying "then why the fuck r u wasting ur time when I gave u more than anyone else could ever come close to? I accept u fully even ur pathetic faults (b/c I have mine too) as long as u work on them." This is what I was saying after Murph and Dave's cuz who was riding along w/them left for a while since Dave and I had to talk along and we went into the house since it was humid out and I wanted to be in a cool, comfy environment. Dave really didn't have anything to say back to what I was saying, but right when Murph was getting back, I asked dave what he thought of our relationship now, like if he still stuck by that dumb thing he said online which was, "our intimate relationship is over, we're just friends from now on." He said that he knows we're more than friends, and I'm always telling him that shit. God damn, when will he learn? It's the same shit that we deal w/over and over again. I know that if I stay friends (or more) w/him that he'll still make me hurt, but I care too much to let him go. He told me he also tried to commit suicide while I was gone and I said that was stupid of him and "If a person really wants to die, they will." which is true, but I don't know. I said I didn't want any of his sympathy shit either anymore. I also told him some new logic: "If u have atleast ONE chance of having a happy life, then why would u want to kill urself? I know u have plenty of chances to be happy, ur family now just sucks, but u won't be w/them forever." He didn't really say anything to that either, I just know that he is looking at life from a completely wrong angle. I just hope he can look at it from mine someday really soon before he does sumthing stupid (like murder and/or suicide).

Murph was being a dick about wanting some of my milk but he drinks so much and he's had atleast 4 free glasses of milk over here before and we just bought a small jug today and it made me feel bad for my mom if he drank any, but when they got back and came up to the door I unlocked it and he came busting in and ran after the milk and started chugging it and shit and at one point I punched him in the face b/c I kept telling him no, u can have some when u come over tomorrow and shit but that fucker wouldn't listend and he was really pissing me off. Joe, Dave's cuz, and Dave were just laughing and I told Dave to come up here and kick his ass and that motherfucker (Murph) had the nerve to ask me for a kiss on the mouth before he left again. What a jackass! Ehh, my friends r just fucked up, or just smart and don't party. Murph and Dave should be here tomorrow though too, but I want to deal w/each seperately. They're too completely diff. cases. Murph is such a theif, that bastard. Yeah, I guess me and Dave r friends again. *apathetic nonenthusiastic yay* We also did some bullshit talk while he was here too, but I don't know... I'm just going to keep getting fucked over just for a lil' piece of happiness. I want to leave this wretched place.