"why r u haunting me?"

*Sigh* I need to stop thinking about him. I'm just a pathetic piece of shit. I poured all of my love out on him b/c he was so beautiful and I wanted him forever. Now all I can see is screwed up relationships that won't work out b/c of me in my future. He is so happy with her right now, and I just wish I could kill her and take her place, the rightful place in which I still, deep inside my soul, feel that I deserve more than anyone. I dealt w/his shit and I forgave him. Everytime. Except the last. He doesn't even try to apologize; he just blurts out stupid shit. Why bother? Can't u see I'm broke inside. Broke b/c of u. Broke b/c I wanted it to last forever and it didn't. I hate it all and I hate myself b/c I know I will bring pain to the new one. I don't want to hurt him b/c of myself. I want to love, but feel I can't. I can't move on w/my life, so then I think I should end it. But I would never have the guts or ever feel like I needed to enough... I just wish I could erase him from my life sometimes. I don't know what's best. I wouldn't be how I am today if it weren't for him, so I thank him for that, but still, it came w/so much pain. And I can still feel it just as if it happened yesterday. She's so inlove w/him the way I was too, but doesn't she see it will end also? It always does. But maybe it will end w/his death and us two coming together.. But I don't want that, I only want him. I can't have anyone else, I can't handle it. I can only have him. And it is she who has him now. Completely. Whole. And I still love him.

Here's a quote I just made:

"I want to cry, but I can't force it out. Maybe I want to bleed, but I don't want the pain. I just want to see the blood flow down my arms and drink it all, and indulge"

Here's Stabbing Westward quotes that help show how I feel:

"I know it made me sick, but I'm not denying that I get this way, when I try to get over u. Sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one u love... I only end up hating myself...God, I feel so useless! God, I hate myself when I try to get over u. I hate myself, will I ever get over u?? Sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one u love."

"I'm drowning in nothing. nothing real. nothing left. nothing. I'm losing myself. Sinking, deeper, down. I'm hating myself. hating. everyone hates me now. Everyone has changed. Everything has changed. Everyone has changed. But me."

"And if there's one thing that I've learned from life, it's that it gets u in the end. So goodbye my friend. Goodbye. Goodbye my friend. Goodbye."

"I've been so alone for so long. Forgotten by the world. Forgotten to myself. Ur evervescent eyes have awaken me, and brushed the dust away, but I knew u'd never stay. So I memorized the color of ur eyes, as I lost myself inside u. And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside u. I miss. God, I miss, waking up beside u. At night I cling to u, I'm so afraid. Afraid the day will come, and I'll wake and find u gone. But u promised that u'd not abandon me, and kissed my fears away. But I woke up to that day... I miss, god I miss waking up beside u. I've been so alone for so long. Forgot how much it hurts. To wake up so alone. And I memorized how warm ur body felt as u lay half asleep beside me! And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room and played upon ur body! I miss! God, I miss, waking up beside u."

He's gone.

This is my "minute of decay."