thoughts and feelings

Sorry I suck at updating sometimes. Dave is supposed to be IMing me in a few minutes. Wonder how this'll go. Last time he talked to me was at the art trip when he mumbled sumthing about looking out a window and I just replid.."uh, ok" and he walked out of the room. Why does he think he can get on my good side again? It's not how it used to be. I hope he realizes that I will not take him back this time. Not even as friends. I CAN NOT handle it. Him being in my life just screws it up. And as much as I still love him, I hate him just as much.

Chris is going thru family problems right now, and I wish I could help. He might be becoming suicidal again, as he said tonight. I hate all this suicideness, sometimes, I just want to tell people to shut the fuck up and deal w/it, but I couldn't say that to Chris. I don't feel like saying it to Chris. I know how he feels, I would want to die if I were him too. I just hope he can stay strong. He does have beauty in him, as I saw today as he passed out the whispers, a school paper. He's a journalist and I'm hoping he'll write some liberal edgy stuff this year, since this school needs to be talked about for all the bad issues going on, instead of shopping and fashion! Ugh, stupid preps. I hate them all. I'm being more fwd w/expressing my thoughts that I wish they'd all die. I said it outloud today w/jocks nearby as I watched the stupid preppy girls make foolish sluts of themselves and declared that I liked watching their stupidity b/c it is a source of amusement for me, but whatever. I'm weird. And stupid. I'm sure Chris will end up getting annoyed w/my really fast, since I long for perfection in things and never get it. Oh well...

Hmm, I hate school work. I have to read a book and do a paper over the weekend, practically. It sucks. I'm reading Prodical Summer, and I've only read Ch.1 so far, but it seems ok. It's all about love and nature, which I love both subjects, so I should be able to handle it ok. I don't feel like writing that paper at all though. I know it will suck. I'm not good at expressing my emotions and thoughts from things on paper, u should be able to tell this by now. I only speak in regular language, but whatever. I'm just an artsy person.

Oh yeah, and we got our class senior pics today and there was a pep rally, in which we all stayed in the art room for, since we have no school pride. Mrs. Beam needs to get fired and work some degrading food job or sumthing, I would laugh in her face if that happened.. I guess. But I'm a wuss. Haven't kissed Chris yet, but we had fun watching Clerks and Fear and Loathing at my house yesterday.