oh no here it is again

"Oh no. Here it again. I need to know, when I will fall in decay. Sumthin' wrong w/every plan in my life. I didn't really notice that u've been here. Heyyeeeyy.. Dolefully desired. Destiny of a lie. Set me free, ur heaven's a lie, set me free w/ur love, set me free yeah. Somethin' wrong w/all the plans in my life. I didn't realize that u've been here. Dolefully desired. Destiny of a lie."-Lacuna Coil

Can u guess what the it is? I may be falling inlove again. Do u think I can do it again? After all the pain I suffered before? Well I guess I have to give it a shot anyway. We already exchanged "i love yous", and sometimes when I look at him I feel that ol' tingly feeling again. I wasn't sure if I could stir up that part of me again, but the other part of me still wants to be single and is afraid of relationships. B/c when I get in a relationship, it is like marriage to me. That's how serious I take it, and I dont know if I should be doing that w/my neighbor who's going to the same school as me. But why not? He's very nice, likes a broad range of music like me, he's into art like me and it going to the same school as me, he loves sex like me (haha).. But actually I haven't had a good sex drive since I don't know when. I always have to get myself in the mood anymore, or atleast when it's that time when I'm able to have sex. I don't know. I'm just fucked up anymore, but I'm still not sure how much.

I don't know how much I can take anymore. I'm so afraid of hurt. I don't want to have to deal w/it again, but he doesn't seem like the type to hurt me. Although on the other hand, he has told me about his past gfs and how he kissed another girl while w/one that he said at the time he didn't care much for, but then grew to love, and it all got fucked up, but I don't know. I'm afraid he wouldn't care enough about me and then kiss another girl, although that is a stupid thought cuz I know that I'm the only girl he's into and also the only girl who's probably into him back. But he was telling me earlier today about how he almost had a threesome w/these two girls before and it really pissed me off, even though I was the one who asked. I'm just bitter like that. I let myself get pissed off over things from people's pasts. It's a thing I have. I'm too much of a perfectionist in my relationships. It wasn't really like a threesome though, he said he was just kissing two girls and he tried to get them to do it, but they only wanted him to choose one or the other. But it still pisses me off. Ugh. I hate it.

I wonder if I'll ever be happy w/one man. I still want douchebag deep down inside, even though I know he is too immature for the relationship I want, but he had to have felt the closeness we had. When we were together, he was more my best friend than Criss or even Ruby. I told him almost everything about me, and he told me about his life, and I always took care of him and he always took care of me also (when we were together). That's why it hurts so much when I think about him. And whenever I'm in a relationship, I think about him more than when I'm not in one. Of course that would seem an obvious side effect, but still. I don't want to remember him. It just hurts. That wound, I don't know if it will ever heal. And if it doesn't heal, how can I ever be truly happy? I still kinda think me and him are meant to be together. I've never met anybody so perfect for me. He is fucking perfect. Yes, besides the lying and the posing, but I know if he'd just stop that and stop not wanting to commit then he would be perfect. The thing is, these things can change, they're not bad personality flaws-he can fix them. I guess that's why I haven't given up on him, and I just realized that. He was beautiful to me, he was my world. I guess nobody can get that as much unless they've had the exact same experience. I just remember too much.. I remember when, the last time we were going out and my car stalled right as I was turning onto his street to pick him up and he took care of me when I burst out crying b/c I knew I could've gotten in a bad wreck or died for the stupid mistake of waiting to get gas. He took care of me. And when I was sick-the last time we went out-he bought me his treasured get-better-bear pops and a small bear. I don't know why I had to be so stupid. I guess I ruined it the last time we went out. I kept not wanting to get close to him again, I kept pushing him away. Yet he still got a gf in less than a week after we broke up. It was bullshit. He just couldn't handle being alone. He has issues w/that. It's sad how he'll take anything when he doesn't have me. He should've realized I was the best thing for him the first time we went out, but I guess ultimately it is his fault that we're not together anymore. If he wouldn't have fucked me over so much the first 3 times we went out, then I wouldn't have pushed him away, so I guess I shouldn't blame myself, but I don't know. A part of me still wants to call him up and see how he feels. I know he's been tring to get my friend Criss though, and tha'ts pathetic too, although, I would want Criss if I were a gay/bi guy too, lol. I'm just saying it's pathetic how Dave just goes after anybody who's remotely like him or who might sympathize w/him. He just wants attention and not to feel lonely.

I don't know what I feel towards Jeff. Yes, I've been wanting to say I love u but he kinda surprised me when he actually told me that he loved me the other night. I was glad, but I felt weird saying it back, but the whole night I was so happy after that. I felt so close to him and my neighbor Greg, who is a really good guy who's really funny when he's drunk, lol. But I don't know. Jeff has his flaws too, and I obviously have my own personal issues and I don't want that to involve Jeff or hurt him. And I know I'll end up hurting him. I don't want to! I can't handle it! Ugh, I don't know how to get my life back on track. I wish things were easier in love.

"U walk on by, w/o feeling to ur stroll. U walk alone. Compromise, it's just another contradiction. Ur all alone. There's a place not far away, that is in ur heart. It is in ur heart, in ur heart..."-Lacuna Coil

"Cry to relieve what's in ur heart. Desolation, grief, and agony... Want to stay another way. Take another chance to find a distant sanity and turn ur pain in truth... Time to reveal what's in ur heart. Desolation, grief and agony. Walking thru a life decayed while ur repeating ur mistakes. There's another chance to try to get away."-Lacuna Coil

"Ur movin' on. U'll never be a part of all the tears I cry aloud."-LC "Wandering from u. Falling at ur side. Wandering from u. Healing my desire. Stumbling in ur soul. Give urself to me. Hurting ur desire. Healing mine."-LC

Monday, Dec. 10, 2003 - 3:37 p.m.