the words speak for themselves

"It was u who said we were moving in a world where the old religions of superstition and violence were dying away...It was u who championed the human soul, saying it had grown in depth and feeling, that men no longer lived for the glamour of war but knew the finer things which had once been the forte only of the richest, and could now be had by all. It was u who said that a new illumination, one of reason and ethics and genuine compassion, had come again, after dark centuries of bloody religion, to give forth not only its light but its warmth."

"I believed it once, yes... I said those things b/c I had to hold them to be true. They were their own creed, the creed of the rational, the creed of the athiestic, the creed of the logical, the creed of the sophisticated Roman Senator who must turn a blind eye to the nauseating realities of the world around him, b/c if he were to admit what he saw in the wretchedness of his brothers and sisters, he would go mad... I was wrong in my optimism, I was ignorant, as ignorant as I accused others of being, and refusing to see the very horrors that surrounded me, all the worse in this century, this reasonable century, than ever before in the world. Think of the great English Cathedrals torn down to rubble by the arrogant King Henry. Think of the books of the Mayas heaved into the flames by Spanish priests. Incas, Aztecs, Olmec-peoples of all nations ground to oblivion-. It's horrors, horrors upon horrors, and it always was, and I can pretend no longer. And this, this w/in two decades of this very hour, while the nations of the West danced in their discos and swilled their liquor, lamenting in casual tones for the poor sad fate of the distant Dalai Lama, and turning the television dial... I have no faith, I have no optimism, I have no firm conviction in the ways of reason or ethics. I know nothing, b/c I know too much, and understand not nearly enough and never will."

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"Lord. It doesn't mean what u think. It's spoken w/too much intimacy and too much warmth. It's like a secret and sacred name. Lord. He is the Lord, yes, but only b/c He is the symbol of sumthing infinitely more accessible, sumthing infinitely more meaningful than a ruler or king or lord can ever be...He was...my brother. Yes. That is what He was, my brother, and the symbol of all brothers, and that is why He was the Lord, and that is why His core is simply love... It's easy to feel, perhaps, but not so easy to really see... U said I had no faith. I don't. Not in titles or in legends or in hierarchies made by other beings like ourselves. He didn't make a hierarchy, not really. He was the very thing."

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Love. Love is the center of all things. Love is what will keep us alive, if we choose to follow its path.

I say, "I love u". He says "I love u more." He's said it atleast 10 times, me trying to argue w/him each time against it, but I know its true in my heart, or atleast as of now. Well, tonight it broke me. I was already reflecting on the damnable fate of humanity when he had said it.

He just doesn't get it. I have the capacity for love, a greater one that he may not even have. I care about this world, I care about humans (even though sumtimes I act like I want them to all die, and I still think some do deserve to die, but that's besides the point). I love humans just the way the vampires do in the Vampire Chronicles. I don't want to see us go to our destructible end still being ignorant and denying what's right in front of us. I love. But I am the broken winged angel. I am The Carrier of all Burdens. There r others out there like me, but I haven't met one as full of sorrow as me yet. Ruby is I guess. But I can't always be sure.

See I can love. I will love him. But I'm sorry if I'm still a little broken right now. I'm sorry if I'm distant. I'm too busy thinking of sorrow. I'm still debating whether two people can really be connected or not w/o it being false. I just don't want to waste my time again to come to another dead end. Another hurtful end. I just want to love, and if I have to love from afar then I will, if that's what it takes not to be hurt anymore. So I can just watch humanity and see what comes of it for as long as I live. I wish I could watch longer.

Why do we live in denial? Why do we choose to form a society based on denying the most obvious horrible facts of life and what we're doing to this earth and to ourselves? Why? Why? Why? Why?? W/all of our intellect, where does it get us?? How can we truly advance when we focus on the meaningless and only the most important when it's taken from us or already destroyed? Why must we be so tragic in our blind ignorance?

"In this time r we loving, or do we sit here wondering why this world isn't turning around? It's now or never. In this way r we learning or do we sit here yearning for this world to stop turning around. It's now or never."-TDG

Btw, I highly recommend for any of u reading this, to watch the movie "Alien Visitor". This is what started my reflective state again, or so I think. This is all about humanity's denial and humanity's folly. And love.

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I love my sister. I ony want the best for her. I want her to have the better life that I never had. I want her to be loved. I want her to feel protected. I want her to be smart. I want her to be nice and loving to everyone around her in return. I just hope she turns out right, better than me. She has the non-alcoholic parents I never had. But I'll tell u all a secret. My dad fell off the wagon last year. He almost went back to drinking. Partially his work buddies' fault, since they invited him out to party w/them not knowing he was an ex-alcoholic, but my dad should've known better. He was like that for this whole last year until last Spring. If he ever went back to that, and posed a threat to ruin Jordan's so-far-so-healthy-life, I would never speak to him again. I will not have him do that to her. I won't let her see that side of him. I won't let her be w/o a father. Just thought I'd profess this love that I don't talk about much. I love u all.