she's resting in peace now

"Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping, Hello, I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday"-Evanescence

God, I just can't resist good music invovling a piano and other classical instruments. And a great woman voice. I love Evanescence. I hope they make many more good songs. Some of them touch me in a certain sentimental emotional level, except they need to push it further. They're lacking a few of the lines that I would like to hear in this time in my life.

I've been thinking alot, about life and religion and I feel happier already about some of my conclusions, even though I have not done much research yet. I've been getting into Wicca, sumthing I've been wanting to study for years because I believe a lot in the impowerment of one's self and people don't realize how much power they have inside of themselves. I'm scared I'm too logical of a person to open myself up fully spiritually, but then again I tell myself how spiritual I actually am. I'm really starting to rethink some of the bitter things I've said in the past. And I'm glad I never fucked up Douchebag's car, although I can't say I'd ever regret fucking him up myself, lol. J/k. Maybe.. Ha, haven't thought enough on that subject, but yeah, I think I'm glad I let karma take care of him as I'm sure it still will continue leveling him. I think I'm believing more in karma, it was never me who made these bad things happen to people who pissed me off enormously, I think it was just their karma coming back to kick them in the ass, but I'd like to think I had a little bit of power in it, but I highly doubt it.

"Has no one told u she's not breathing? Hello, I am ur mind giving u someone to talk to, Hello."-Evanescence

My deeply deeply beloved Pumpkin passed away two weeks ago on Saturday morning. I miss her so much, so so very much. I'm in Vegas right now for part of my spring break and everytime I come in the house or go into one of the bedrooms I expect her to be there laying on the bed, content as she always was, but then I'm disappointed by the complete absensce of her. Now I know why people rn't scared by being haunted by their loved ones: I'd love to have her haunt me, I miss her so much and have been dreading this day for so long, hoping somehow that she would live forever along side of me. I hate thinking that her heart doesn't beat anymore, that I can't ever lie next to her and hear her purring loudly in my ear, that I can't ever use her round tummy as a soft pillow for my head and feel it gently rise up and down with her breaths, that I can't gaze into her eyes and feel my love for her so much and know that she is happy with me. I hate that I wasn't holding her when she took that last breath. I hate that she was in pain. But u know what they told me, "She was purring until the very end." She's just that sweet of a cat. She is the sweetest cat anyone would ever know, she was my baby, my first baby. I love her so much and I'll miss her so much. So very much. But already I can see The Little One (Gabrielle) becoming her, becoming a little more sweet like she was with every day, letting me pet her more and she even slept w/me the other night. The other night she jumped up on bed and I believed for a split second that it was Pumpkin and it scared me so much, I wanted to believe it so much. But she's nowhere. Nowhere where we can see her. My mom and them buried her in the backyard of my grandparents house, here, where I am now and covered the dirt with three red stepping stones so the building inspectors wouldn't notice since ur not allowed to bury pets in ur backyard. I wanted to buy a real headstone for her that stuck out of the ground and had an inscription for her, but I guess I can get one of the flat ones like Donnie had in the park back home in Ohio. I hope Donnie's taking care of her now if he's up in heaven and if she's there too. I want someone from the family to love her since I can't physically anymore. I have her blanket that she loved to lay on when she was out here. I wish I could have something of her physically, like a lock of fur or a whisker or two, but I never even thought to save something like that when she was alive and when she left her hairs everywhere... It's just hard for me not to have her here physically, but after my mom told me more in detail about that day that they had to put her to sleep because she started to bleed out of her tumour, I feel better. She never complained. Never in her life. Ralph took her outside after they had made the appointment and let her look around and then he let her see the kitties and then they all gathered around and pet her and said their last good words to her. I wish I could've been there, but like my mom says, "she knows u loved her", I just wish I could've been there still to hold her and comfort her until the end.

I'm still wondering what the end is. I hope it's not so bad and full of emptiness, I hope she's somewhere happy.. I love and miss her so much, I still cry at least once a day. I don't know if anyone who is not an avid pet lover can understand what a loss this was for me, but since I know she had a good life, I know I did my part, as long as she was happy.

And I will always continue my love on more pets, more unfortunate kitties and possibly puppies (and also adult ones of each kind) that have wound up at the SPCA or other pound because of bad luck. I plan on getting many animals from there and taking care of them throughout their lives. I just wish I could take them all. I still remember the time we went to get my uncle ralph another kitty after Crackers, my old cat, died of heart failure. I don't know if it's best to let them have animals since he's a crackhead, but he does love them all alot and that's why I let it happen. But I can just remember that other kitty who got up when we came in and did his kitty thing of stretching and rubbing against the cage for affection and I just thought that most people would think he was ugly and not buy him and he would die and I couldn't stand that. I can't stand how they put animals to sleep, I rather put them back on the streets and give them another change to at least make it on their own than kill them. That's just so wrong, I can't stand it. I know there's too many of them, but I love each and every one whether I meet it or not and I can't stand that they woudl do such a thing. That's why hopefully if I can get enough money together one day I want to start my own animal pound, either that or join w/the already existing ones that don't kill their animals.

"I've tried so hard to tell myself that ur gone, although ur still w/me, I've been alone all along. When u cried i'd wipe away all of ur tears, when u'd scream, i'd fight away all of ur fears, i held ur hand thru all of these years. but u still have all of me."-Evanescence

Thursday, Feb. 19, 2004 - 6:18 p.m.