holidays

Well the holiday season is upon us and I've known for a while all I was going to get is CDs from my mom, and I just got done making a list for her, but also added the other stuff I want (new cd players, fangs, contacts, gothic clothes like the wishlist I have for Hot Topic) I hope Dad gives me a lot of money. I want to get everyone sumthing nice but I don't have the money for it. I rather get my mom sumthing nice than my dad, who can't even shell out money for his future-to-be-successful daughter who won't give him anything in return since he never did her in the 1st place!! Man that makes me mad.

Guess I can't go camping w/Eddie now. I have to go to KY and he can only do it on Thursday. He didn't call me yesterday which made me mad, but we made up today, but he told me he knows I don't like him that much and that's not true. It's just I have other stronger feelings for other people and I don't want to get attached to another person, for one, and two, I know he doesn't want a serious relationship so I'm taking it easy.

I wish I could go on a trip to CA to see Sheri, but can't, of course. But last weekend Dawn told me and my mom about this Alaskan cruise she's going on w/her dad and he's letting her invite one friend and she's actually inviting me! I was so happy, my mom will try and let me go, it only costs $500 for me. Not bad for a 7-day cruise, not at all..

Dave just can't leave my head.. I wonder if he still reads my site. I took a nap today, I was so tired and I dreamt of him. God, leave me alone! I'll never get rid of u or my love for u!! It does me no good anymore. Not when u can't even show u care about me the way I need u to. I just wish u'd fucking ask me what's I've been up to instead of always talking about urself. I know we both have that problem, but ehh, I feel no ones cares THAT MUCH about me. When Steph. walked over to the line today, I thought she saw me and was going to come over and talk to me, but she didn't. She went straight to Eddie (when I was still mad at him) who was 10 people behind me.. Wouldn't that depress U??? God Dave's a dick, can't even see what's going on w/me. And poor Eddie, I don't want him to be affected by it. I just want what I want out of love and be done w/it. I can never be happy though... I just wish Dave could be a better friend, he was great, it's just, well for one, he needs to come over here again and see me and talk w/me. I was high-strung cuz he didn't know what kind of weekend I had and he would never know if I didn't have to tell him myself and that pisses me off. I could've been thinking of suicide (I wasn't, just making an example) and if he would've just asked, I would've told him, but if he's just going to go on and on about his life then listen and talk about his stupid music which is more important than me, than I wouldn't say it, and I could be dead now. All he had to do was ask, but he didn't. That's my fucking point!! Ugh, let me cry again to the borrowed cd of Nirvana "In Utero" I still have from Dave. I bet his life is going great w/that stupid bitch who stole him from me. Prolly fucked her a few times. It's just such great pussy. Too bad mine's not an "outer" like hers. Would he like me then? No. I'm just a piece of shit.