Borders w/Eddie

God, where the hell is everybody? It seems the only people that keep updating is me and Julie. Update, Ruby, damnit! Summer, u must either be dead or overworked at ur family job! And Andy, I'm not sure where the hell u r! Sophie I didn't even bother checking urs today. U need a notify list, like I have. Ur the one who needs it the most cuz u rarely update.

Well I got to see Eddie today and it felt great. No, I'm not just talking about the sex. lol. Nah, actually.. well nm. We did do it though. He had to make an excuse to his dad who came home early and asked him if he could go to Borders to use his Xmas gift certificate and said he'd be gone about 2 hours and he came and picked me up and we went there and I also bought some stuff. 4 new cds: Vision of Disorder "From Bliss to Devastation", Type O Negative "The Least Worst of", Aerosmith "Pump", and Alien Ant Farm "Anthology". I think they were more expensive there then at Best Buy but I didn't care. I also got Anne Rice's Beauty's Punishment, Vol. 2. It's great! lol. Oh and a note to Ruby, this is the one u want for gay sex! lol, I can show u a part I read about two guys doing. Very nice. hehe. Well I may be able to see Eddie again tomorrow for a longer time if his dad goes to work which he thinks he will, but sometimes his dad doesn't have to on Fridays, but I really hope he does. I loved seeing Eddie again. I really did miss him. I told him about the bad dream I had of him being killed and I was crying over him but then I found journal type entries on his comp. talking about different girls he'd been fucking while going out w/me and I just felt worse b/c I was grieving over his ass when he was actually evil. I hope that doesn't happen, like the people in Julie's entries. It would really suck. I love Eddie. or so I think.

U know what's ironic? I was in such pain over Dave a couple months ago b/c he had left me for Heather and I was all alone and bittered by him but still wanted him back so much and now that he's not w/her and I'm w/Eddie, it's the complete reverse. He says I'm the reason he wants to kill himself now. Well that's wrong b/c he should know how much I still love him it's just I'm involved now. I told him before and he wouldn't take me then, why should I take him now? He thought he was so perfectly happy but it all came apart just like I told him it would. I knew he would want me back b/c he had it good w/me, but today I told him all our probs. and that's why I couldn't see us going back out again. I just can't go back out w/someone who lied and cheated on me. I know he could do that really easily again and I think he has a self control issue. He needs sex too much. It's kinda nice to have someone love u again. Especially him. I kinda find it exciting to have the chance to go back out w/him again if I'm ever single, but now he told me today that he wants to move out of the state and that diminishes all of our chances. I don't want him to be apart of my past. It would be another unresolved part to it and it would bothered be forever. I do want him back still, it's just I like Eddie and I'm not going to drop him just so Dave can screw me over again. That's not right. Now he's going to leave me forever... I couldn't stand that. I want him in my life. I need someone like that to be close w/. He knows almost everything about me. That's not sumthing I would easily share w/anyone else. Maybe I'll never share those secrets w/anyone else.. I just hope if he ever leaves, he'll keep me in his heart as I will keep him in mine and my mind. I hope he remembers my diary address too so he can find an internet and check out what I've been up to if he wants. lol. I'll try to keep it up for him. I would do that for u, Dave. I do love u, Dave. What can I say that I haven't already? We all experience pain.. it's just ur turn and not mine. I wish it wasn't always ur turn though. I don't want u to suffer. I wish I could be there for u like u want me to be but I'm too scared of what would happen again. U would prolly cheat on me again or sumthing. I need more than last time.. I also wonder how u've changed and if its better or worse for me... Well I guess that's it. But I'll love u forever Dave.