monkeyman

Well, I know I haven't been keeping up w/this lately. I haven't been feeling like it lately. My change in moods has become normal again and Dave and I are acting regular towards each other. I'm still trying to make him get out of the habit of saying "I hate my life" or "I want to kill myself/shoot myself", but he's still having trouble w/not saying it.

My mom's getting me Arby's right now, yum.

Two nights this week, well, one was in the afternoon, I had nightmares about Dave and I basically about him not being satisfied, sexually, w/me and I was hurt. It sucked.

I haven't cut myself since Tuesday and when Dave was over he noticed them and got mad, but I told him it wasn't the usual reasons, I have 4 reasons why I do it, so it's not just cuz I'm pathetic and want to damage myself. He's not as bothered by it now. We hung out on Thursday too at his house and I rode the bus home w/him. We had sex, then played Street Fighter II on supernintendo then when Sid called him we got horny again and he really wanted to do it after he got off the phone w/him, even though I wasn't sure for certain reasons I don't feel like saying on here. So we did anyway, he didn't even give me a chance to get off before he took it out and started beating it cuz he felt himself close, so I got pissed off and my mom was there anyway, so I finished getting dressed again and reluctantly gave him a hug and kiss goodbye when he begged for one even though I told him he was acting like a selfish man. I should've slapped him, but it's behind us now, I suppose. I still want to slap him though but now he's acting all sweet again and plus he felt like an ass after I left anyway. So I somewhat forgave him, but I'm still mad b/c everytime he does sumthing bad to me I never react to it like I should right away so I naturally don't get all my anger out on him like I should, so that leaves me all unresolved everytime. I think the only way I'm going to feel unresolved is if he lets me slap which I think he is going to.

Anyway, I'm trying to avoid Suzi, my biological cousin today b/c I thought it would be alright if she came over, but didn't really want her to and now I'm regretting the whole thing and when she calls, if she does like she's supposed to, I'll tell her how I'm sick and have work. I don't want her over here! Dave is the only person I'll allow and that's just cuz it's him! I hate other people over here, I'm not in that mood today to deal w/her retardedness. Ueegghhh!

Oh, and our Art trip is next week for 4 days, so won't update then, but it will be fun. I'm going to love it and I'm so glad Ruby will be there w/me or else I couldn't share the fun w/anyone and I'd be alone w/3 other people I don't care for, but instead, Ruby will be in my room too and the other 2 people we'll be with I don't think will bother us much, I hope. Too bad me and Ruby couldn't get a room by ourselve's though. It would be funner and more free that way. I'll still love it though. We get to go to Chinatown, Niagra Falls, and a bunch of art museums. Yay!