dave and me

I'm in better spirits now and Dave S. and I are talking again. I stopped talking to him earlier this week b/c I felt he didn't care about me and I shouldn't make a lot of effort to talk to him when he wasn't going to make any b/c I wasn't going to let him keep me as the weak one. So I saw him again like I do everyday on my way back from a lonely lunch sitting all by myself on Fri. and after I keep walking a few feet he jumps in front of me and grabs my arms, surprising me, and asks "Hey when do u want to go to hot topic?" and I said "what" thinking how could he still want to go when we were talking. He was going to buy me these $50 boots I wanted (mainly b/c I had paid for so many things for him over this past year when he'd been at my house). Anyway, he said it again and I kinda tried to walk away and explained to him why I wasn't talking to him b/c I didn't feel like he cared about me anymore b/c of his stupid new phase and that I shouldn't put more effort than him into talking to him. He hugged me and said he would show me that he cared more now and we hug in the halls sometimes. I really want all of him though, but I never get that all the time. I wonder if he wants to go back out w/me. I'm sure he does, but I don't know what to do. I don't like his phases but I guess this one wasn't that big of a deal like the other two were. (unless he's hiding the no-touching thing that he wanted from me again just so I would talk to him, but i think he wanted it that 1st day he talked to me again). He never shows it as much as he did on that 1st day though, and that's what I hate. I need to see extreme emotion and attention from him, but I guess I can't get that. Ugh, I hate not being normal. I wish I didn't care so much about those things. And I shouldn't, so I try to act normal when I'm not. O well. Anyway, we're going to Hot Topic this coming Sat. and I'm trying to talk my mom into taking us to Spunk and Sentiments too, in Cliffton, but she doesn't want to deal w/that area which is bullshit.

Last night I spent the night w/my cuz Steph. and we walked down the street to Nick's house i guess, Mark's friend, where Mark was too and we smoked a fat joint and then a bowl and I was done. I was geekin' but I didn't want to show it cuz I felt dumb infront of the others but I was trying to talk to Steph. about how I think my dad was afraid of me being a lesbian when I was younger, but it was stupid. It seems like everytime I get high, I get more effects from it than I should cuz when I talked about that and when I talked about anything I get mental pics in my head of shapes and colors, not the words. It's weird. I couldn't remember what I was saying either and kept having to stop and start again many times. We had ordered Donatos pizza earlier, but on our way back from sneaking out of the house after midnight, I wanted to drink some chocalate milk and I ate like 2 slim jims I think. I didn't want to pig out on them and I didn't want to drink all their mild so I quit after 2 glasses. I was so tired when we got back though, that I fell asleep after taking my contacts out and cleaning my make up off and my ears, so I actually didn't get the 2nd glass of choc. milk and slim jims until 5:41 in the morning when I woke up again and was still buzzed. It was nice, but I was paranoid too. I'm glad we didn't get caught sneaking out. We were going to play hide and seek outside in the dark after we got high, but since we got high so late we were too tired and didn't feel like it. Plus, that would've been greater risk for Teresa to catch us outside. Steph. and I played some games while over there, mainly tomb raider 3 which isn't too bad but it was boring after we went around in her house and maze a million times trying to find stuff that was impossible to find, but I may get a tomb raider game.

Anyway, besides gettin' high, I got to see Steph.'s kittens (4, 2 girls: Mariah and Collene, 2 boys: Blaze and Damion) who were born in their house by their cat Mini and they're so cute! They were black and white and about 7 inches long. They're meows are so faint u can barely hear them since they're still young. Steph. has to get rid of 3 and I want Blaze and Damion and we tried to talk my mom into taking them, but she will only take one if that and has to think about it still. I hope we can get one, they're so cute! I wanted 2 though so they wouldn't be lonely after separating from their siblings and they all looked so cute sleeping and playing together.

Well I gotta go and finish my history analysis essay for history and I hope Dave calls me. I didn't get to talk to him today barely and not at all yesterday. He came over Friday night (2 hours late) at 8:00 and we watched the 4 new episodes of Spongebob together, including Spongebob's house party. They were all great but I didn't get to see too much of the one at 9:00 cuz I was doing stuff. We layed down and sat by each other and stuff but never kissed or anything. After they were over, we started watching What Women Want and 10 min. before Dave's aunt was supposed to come get him we decided since we were both really tired we would go lay down in my room and I think I could've gotten some moments in there, but right before we went to lay down we saw his aunt's car turn in my street so we turned around and I hugged him goodbye and he left. It sucked, I wanted him to tell me he loved me and shit, but hopefully that just built it up for next time. I wonder if he was upset at all by that like i was, but I know he kinda was but I don't know if it was like he really want to lay w/me or he just wanted to lay down. He was prolly hiding it. I know how he can be. Well I gotta go now..