hot topic this weekend

Dave and I never know what to expect of each other and are never sure of what each other feels and yesterday he rode the bus home w/me for our anniversary, but it didn't feel like ours to me. We didn't do anything special. He layed on my bed for a while and I let him rest, but I would check on him and then I was kinda bored so I just went back and layed down w/him. He kinda woke up and we talked and listened to Manson and I decided I would kiss him b/c I knew we both wanted to. Well he didn't react and I called myself a retard but he said I wasn't, so I said ok. We got more friendly and when we were standing up by my bed he said hug me and I did and he pulled me back on the bed w/him so we were laughing and then we layed up, instead of across the bed, by the head of it and he pulled me on top of him again and said "A delayed reply" cuz he had said I didn't give him enough time to react and he kissed me and we made out. It was nice again yet weird again after so long of not touching each other much cuz he didn't want it, but we were hugging. I wasn't sure if I wanted to but we decided to have sex and for me it was just horniness. I wanted to show my love to him and share w/him, but I didn't feel the bond. I felt kinda dirty. I love him alot and I usually don't feel like that, but I think I should've waited another time b/c it was all too fast. That's all it was. I still love him, but we jumped back into physical contact way too soon.

Anyway, today we were hugging still and talking, but I wasn't sure if we should kiss or not. I decided to try to kiss him after 2nd bell, but he just pointed to his cheek and it hurt me but I kissed it anyway and then he said "Oh, u wanted to kiss my mouth" or sumthing like that. And I was like "yeah!?" but I just walked away and said he was being weird and he yelled back "hey, hug?" and I told him I already gave him one and said again that he was being weird. After that I was depressed and thought he didn't want to go on after yesterday, he just wanted to act like just friends again. That hurt me a lot, and right before that all happened we traded bracelets cuz I wanted to wear his new star one w/ a missing star, but I decided to go back and give it to him before 4th cuz I didn't want it if he didn't want me. So I did and I decided to be somewhat dramatic about it since I WAS really hurt by his actions so I walked up to him, shaking inside, and said "give me my bracelet back, i don't want to wear this anymore" and he did, looking at me weird cuz he prolly saw the bad look on my face, so I gave his bracelet back and took mine and as I started walking away, I said "I'm sorry I was a substitute for ur hand!" And he said "what?" and tried to grab my arm but I pulled it away and kept walking. Frank was standing next to him was and asked what was going on and so did Ruby as she was walking by, but I didn't care, it's all stupid anyway.

He wrote me a note and gave it to me on my way to 5th and I read it and it was him asking what I was thinking and why I did that and he kept saying he loved me in it and that he just didn't know what our relationship is now, but neither do I so, hopefully we'll figure out a permanent solution. ... Maybe I shouldn't have ever kissed him though or atleast had sex w/him. I shouldn't do that to myself cuz he's not going to stay w/me anyway, if we went back out, he'd just leave me like he always does cuz of his stupid phases. I wish he wouldn't have hurt me like he's done since we first broke up. I love him so much, can't he accept me forever?

Oh and we're still going to hot topic tomorrow so he can hopefully find and buy me the tall 3 buckle boots I want. I hope we find them, but I have doubts.