holy fuck

I've been feeling shitty today. Nothing too new. I feel like a major inconvenience to everyone around me, and now, since Andy had to give me a ride home, I don't want him giving me anymore rides b/c I know he didn't want to give me a ride in the first place and I feel like the biggest ass for asking today. I want to go die just b/c of this stupid mistake. I wish I could get a car today so I didn't have to worry about depending on others and having them have to worry about me and shit. I hate it. I just want to be independent so no one will hate me.

I just got a phone call from Chris, too, and I'm freakin' out. I was falling asleep on the couch, depressed and shit, yet watching Rocko's Modern Life, and I was dreaming sumthing disturbing about my mom but I can't remember what it is. Anyway, the phone rang, and I didn't recognize the voice right away, and I thought it could be Dave or sumthing, but then he identified himself as Chris, and I said, "oh, hey!" or whatever and then he said, "I was going to ask u this earlier, but I was being a pussy." And I said, "Don't worry about it" and then he said "Do u want to go out sometime or sumthing?" And I said "Sure, that would be cool b/c I want to hang out w/my friends and stuff more, as soon as I get my car." So anyway I think he likes me cuz he got my number from David, which I also asked him on the phone.

I've been talking to him this whole last hour or so and we're being open w/each other, so I think he does, and I don't know what to feel. Inside my stomach gets jittery like how it always does when I know I'm liked by someone who I like, but on the other hand, I don't know how much I like him yet, or if he does like me for sure and I don't want another relationship either. I just want friends. I can't stand what another relationship could do to me. I don't want to worry or hurt over that shit again.

Well, another break, and now after talking to him again on the phone, I found out that he DOES like me and wants us to go out on a DATE, not just as friends, so I told him "that would be ok, I guess." And I would like to get to know him better, but I'm still very scared and don't want a hardcore relationship, and especially nothing sexual right now. I was thinking about giving him a link to this site, but I guess I can't now, since I'm talking about him too, on this, lol. I can't believe he likes me though! He didn't even let on to it. I feel like a jackass, how could anyone like me? I got fat, and I'm stupid a lot, and he gets to see me look like an ass infront of the class tomorrow when I say my speech, and now I don't want to look at him when I say it, cuz I'll be embarressed. Ahhh, what should I do? And whoever reads this, don't go talking about it alot and don't tell anyone else about what's going on. I guess Brandi has no chance w/him now, haaha. But oh well, I still feel weird. I'm too chubby for him... Bleh. Well guess I'll go for today. Have to memorize some more and will be getting that call from Ai of Las Vegas tonight.