I'm more lonely than u'll ever be

So easy to open my mouth, so easy to keep it shut.

Ralph is a disgusting pig, yet I say nothing. Chris is an annoying fuck, and I say whatever.

Oo so he broke up w/Ashley and tells me I'm right? So what. I still don't like u. Ur still stupid and annoying. Ur so pathetic.

And for the millionth time I hate myself b/c I let things go how I didn't want them to. It's not like I knew it at the time. I just go on, aimlessly, just trying shit out again, but I always end up regretting it again.

I feel like I have changed. I feel like I am in this new hateful phase.

But I just wish everyone would leave me alone b/c I'm not happy w/anyone anymore. Old fucking feelings. Go away. I've been hurt enough, and I'm not worth anyone's attention. The only person who I never feel hateful about when hanging around them is Ruby. She is the neutral one. She and I r very alike and we both keep that distance, I guess. I don't want to be anyone's someone. We're not one. Why try to have something mature? I'm not at that point anymore. I've already passed it and gone down hill... I realised just now I guess I really am broken. U broke me, and now that I finally have u as my equal, as my other half, I don't want it. (in some ways I still do, but I'm split) I can't take it. U hurt me too much. I really did mean it when I told u "3 strikes ur out". It's too late now. U ruined me. Just don't kill/hurt urself over me. That would just make things worse... I loved u so much and I was ready then, not now. Now it's too late, and I can't take it anymore. I constantly feel shitty and I don't want all this stupid shit. If u want to have me, it has to be perfect. I'm tired of the stupid shit in art class, I'm tired of u saying ur ugly. If u don't want to fucking hear my good words then don't fucking go out w/me. I half expect u to return this w/hateful words as well, but that would just be the old u. I just needed u to try, to make everything up. U say there's no way, and there probably isn't. I shouldn't have went back out w/u when I did. I should've waited, and kept u at a distance, as well as everyone else. I hate myself. I fuck everything up. No one seems to acknowledge this.

And even w/all this, I still come online to hope ur there, but ur not. I even wanted u to call, and u did, but I kept thinking "then what?" I still don't know what to do. I wish u didn't talk to me so soon. Why does everyone let me make these dumb mistakes?? I thought u were the exception, but I just feel too broken. Please fix me. I just want to be fixed...

Just let me disappoint u all and then u can hate me and then forget about me.

I don't want to be here.

And on top of all this, I have hw. And there's hairs in my food. I'm above this shit.

I don't want any of this.