I finally updated

Well, as time drags on there's more to say, and I haven't been wanting to get on here to do it. I want to introvert back into my little shell and hide from the world, but I know that's not going to happen. If only California would come soon enough.

Tonight was my 3rd day of work. Tomorrow I'm working again. All dinner shifts. Not too bad, but I manage to screw up sumthing every night. Last night it was the dish I broke and tonight it was the orders I couldn't remember b/c the old man had fallen asleep and I didn't know what to do. I hope tomorrow goes better. Some lady bitched about my hair being in my face to my boss and he told me to make sure that stays back, but he sympathized w/me. Another lady bitched about always being the last one served for dessert and never getting anything good b/c the good stuff is always already taken. Oh well, people suck. They're not too bad though. I've worked diff. sections every night. I still feel unsure in the kitchen and w/the bussing supplies. I still don't know where everything is at.

I had a bad car experience on Nov. 15. All the plans got fucked up b/c Amy hadn't informed me on what was going on for her b-day celebration that I was going to hang out w/her for, and I wanted Dave to go, and we had problems w/that, so it didn't work out, Amy got mad and we got off the phone w/each other and I don't care to talk to her anymore. Anyway, after that bad start, I went to go pick up Dave so we could go to Newport by ourselves, which I felt better doing anyway. I was running really low on gas, but my gage goes up and down all the time, so it's hard to tell how low I really am, and it was a Friday night, so there was a whole bunch of traffic, so when I went to turn into the gas station, the line of cars was so long, I just said fuck it, and went to pick up Dave first. Well, when I went to turn into the road leading down to Dave's house off of the main street, my car stalled in the middle of my turn, and I ended up running up onto the curb and bumping into a telephone pole on the right side of the street that I was turning into. I hadn't freaked out yet or anything, but I was nervous, and didn't know what I should do or what happened and a guy in a van who was about to turn out of the street got out of his van and came over to help me. He said my car must've stalled and he offered to follow me to a gas station, but I said I was going to pick up a friend and then go straight to one so I'd be okay. Well when I got to Dave's house I knew I was going to start freaking out, and I did when he came out of his house and got into the car. I started bursting out crying, hysterically, and I was trying to tell him what happened. He stayed calm though and tried to calm me down, but I knew I wasn't going to get calm until I got all of my crying out. I just freaked out so bad b/c I thought of how there could've been a chance of those oncoming cars hitting me if that car would've stalled a few sec. earlier. On the way to the gas station after I picked up Dave, the car stalled again and I was just starting to calm down and then I started up again b/c I couldn't fix it the first time, but Dave helped me and got it running again and we made it to the gas station. He pumped the gas, cuz I know I couldn't have done it, and he went and paid for it too while I was still crying in my car. I felt somewhat dumb for it, but I know it's just cuz I don't want any bad car experiences cuz I'm so paranoid of getting in a wreck and I don't want to get hurt or killed or worse. But all I needed was gas, and I'll never make that mistake of letting it get that low again.

Chris is spending the night at Dave's tonight. I drove by after work, and I felt tears coming to my eyes b/c of it. I don't know why I'm so stupid, but I don't want to talk to Dave anymore. At least for a while. To me, it's like this: even though u might not understand what the one u love is asking of u, u should do it anyway, if ur love needs/feels for it strongly enough. But since that can't be done, then that tells me that u can't go the distance. If u needed this strongly enough like I do, I would do it for u, but u can't seem to treat me equally, and that's just how it is. I feel so cheated. I'm always cheated out of everything. When will anyone try hard for me? I'd like to see that someday. I'm tired of feeling like a dumbass. And I hate it even more when I call when I'm already distressed and they tell me he's not there. Why should I depend on people when they're not dependable? That's why I don't want it. He was probably out picking up Chris even though he said he'd call me back. I knew it wouldn't make a difference whether I wasted my time calling or not. I hate relationships. Guess he won't call tonight, he'll be too busy w/Chris!

"6 'o clock in the morning, my head is ready to explode. I can't believe I made it home alive. I can't remember where I went or what I was drinking. I know it made me sick and I'm not denying that I get this way when I try to get over u. I get this way when I try to get over u. Sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one u love."