"today I'm dirty, and I want to be pretty"

My great Aunt Jan is in the hospital and I don't know how bad she is. She had to have heart surgery and I suppose is recovering from it. Her heart was double the size it should've been and she's a diabetic, the worst kind. Her heart had 1.5 liters of fluid in it too, and I don't know how it got there.

I just talked to my work and they let me not work tonight since I'm going in to see her and I want to, to make sure she's ok. She's not a bad Aunt. I don't want her to die.

Distance is good. I need to be distanced from everyone. Why do I try to cover it up? It's always there. My flaws. I can't seem to get rid of them. Now it's slightly different, but nothing can ever be right. I can't handle things. I'm such a pathetic person, this little thing that can't survive on its own, and yet I'm so "elightest". I only followed him and he can't even see that. He doesn't get that I don't have my one specific opinions on things, I don't know shit. Sure I hate people, but I'm more for the now than the later. I wish I could force change on people, and I know it can't happen, but we might as well sure try. I know I'm very judgemental, and it's not like I don't hate myself, like I've said over and over again. I feel like I don't feel much. It seems like I don't care. Did I ever care? I think I was always a selfish bitch, and the only time that I cared is when it was slipping away from me. I want to analyze my experiences and see what and how everything has shaped me. It sucks being a perfectionist. I can't get over anything. I can't marry someone who knows how stupid I can be. I want to marry a man that thinks I am perfect, ALL THE TIME. Well, except for little things, but it will never happen. I want to wipe the slate clean, I fucked up too much. I see it as the big mess of fuck ups b/t the two of us, and I don't see it changing. I find problems w/everything. I don't think u want me that much. In a way, I was just pushing u, to see if u would show me. I wonder who's perfect...

I want to be perfect.

"All the pigs r all I know, I give u all that u want. Take the skin and peel it back, but doesn't it make u feel better??"

"I'm losing ground. Well u know how this world can beat u down. And I'm made of clay. I feel I'm the only one who feels this way."

...............

It's sad that we keep trying to press forward and we just cant seem to win the fight. We lay down b/c he could never pay the money that he owes us both. Everywhere in the world, we all have to lay down. I hate it. Why can't we ever get what we deserve? What we work for? Everything has to be so complicated and u never got what u worked for. I hope it all works out some day. I love u, Mom.