relationship barriers

Sigh.. Hmm.. I think misery is around the corner again. Or atleast hard transitions and/or conflicting feelings. Why r humans the way they r? Why do we supress our natural urges? Why do we have jealousy?

I try to think about what I'm feeling right now, what I think is going to happen. I care about Dave a lot, but it's always been rocky w/him. I'm doubting more and more that we will ever get married. I wanted to before, but now maybe it wouldn't be the best. Maybe I'll never get married. And if I move on to other relationships, whether it be w/in a year or more years down the line, what will become of Dave? I don't want to just leave him, I don't want to deal w/sumthing that hard. What about our connections? Will they just have to be given up, lost? How can u just leave someone? I'm just not like that.

And then there's polyarmory or whatever it's called. Having multiple lovers, maybe that is the only way u can be happy. But then there's jealousy and I have a big jealousy thing. I try to think about what dating would be like. DAting multiple people at once and those people dating multiple people. I think I'd end up getting possessive again and jealous. Would I want to have another serious relationship? What do I want? What do I need? What do I feel? I'm not really sure right now.

This is what happened: Dave and I were supposed to go to a concert last night: Skincurtin, however u spell it. We were going to meet his friend and very talented bandmate Matthew up there, but we decided to just meet him at tri-county mall and then we ended up staying over at his house for the night since he was having a party and it was foggy out, so my mom let me stay. I liked everyone there, they were all really cool and easy to get along w/. I've never felt so at ease anywhere else w/a whole bunch of people I didn't know. I didn't even need to cling to Dave b/c of insecurities, cuz I really didn't have any. I was just myself and I chatted w/people. I wanted to watch a comedy movie so Matthew, Dave and I finally went up to his room and put in Dumb and Dumber. I had drank 2 beers by then and was buzzed and during the movie I got another and let Matt have a few sips. Dave left to smoke a cig. and never came back so Matthew and I had some good conversation and got to know each other better. I was attracted to him. Dave knew this not long after we got to Matt's house b/c of the way I was "looking at him" and how he was "looking at me". Dave can be good w/that stuff, but I was just trying to get to know him and I was analyzing him, although I'm not sure what he was doing on his part. I don't want Dave to be hurt by my "attraction" to Matt and I knew he was jealous. He's just as cool as Matt though, they're just a little different. I don't know if I really like Matt that much though. I just think he's cool and has a great personality. I think w/Dave saying that I did just made me think about it like that more, but I was really just trying to be nice when I met him and give him a chance to become a friend. Hopefully we will be friends now. His music is really great, and I'm glad Dave has some great people to work w/in a band, b/c w/them, I can see good things happening. They don't seem lazy at all about doing what they want in music and that's what Dave needs instead of losers around here like Chris and Sid, haha. I was actually able to talk about art w/these people too!! Yay! Art people, finally! I love them!

But anyway, it's just exciting to have a new attraction b/c there's that uncertainty and that excitement. I know Matt and I connected and he said he thought I was really smart. I was just blabbing away about crap, personal crap, b/c I didn't want to hide anything. I didn't care if he knew me or whatever. I even mentioned how I don't like girls and crap, I can't remember what he said though, I think he just laughed. Ah, it was fun though, I just don't want this causing trouble now and I guess it will. Matt doesn't even like his gf and I am kinda hesitant w/her since she's a fighting drunk and gets drunk every night, which are two bad traits right there, and she's very very overly jealous w/him, which I think just reflects her own paranoia about being caught cheating on him. I feel bad for him though, having to deal w/that shit. He's too nice and cool for that. Well I guess I don't have much else to say, so I'll stop for now. Life is hard.