miserable

I was going to talk about war on my next entry, it wasn't going to be long, but now I just want to focus on my own life.

It sucks.

Dave and I have been having problems and I can't even remember when it started, but he's been indifferent towards me lately and I knew it was either b/c of me or his own personal problems or both. It ended up being both. I know I'm too bitter, and a lot of the time I don't even really mean the things I say towards people. Some of the time I don't actually hate them or life.

It figures it was what he was joking about all along. I cried in his room when I went to go see him. He made plans to go w/Matthew and some other guy I'm assuming is their guitarist named Bill I think (who seems cool), and this was the 1st time I've seen Matthew since that night. I wish I wasn't so stupid. I should've left that room that night I talked to him b/c I stayed in there way too long.

I don't want Dave to hurt me again. He can't hurt me again. He's already taken up all his times for him to do that. I've been confused a little myself lately, but then I just step back and look at it all and then I know what I want. I want Dave, I love Dave, and it would hurt me very much if he were to leave me or not love me anymore. I feel like our relationship has deteriorated to a normal bf/gf relationship, in which u don't know if u have a future together, and it's all up in the air. He told me he feels the same way too. We can still fix it, but I've just been unsure of whether we should keep trying or end it. After what he said, or rather what I figured out was his big problem that effects our relationship, I felt for sure he was going to leave me and it was over. I can't take his confused crap. I took enough of it already. I went thru those stages w/him already and I'm tired!

Maybe I should just become a lesbian. U want to go out w/me Ruby? Ur the closest woman I have. lol. Just a stupid joke. I'm so dumb.

But anyway, I don't know. I really wanted to hang out w/Dave tonight, but he made those extended plans w/Matthew to have more band practice. It hurts when he can't just stay there for me, just in case. He always does that. He always makes other plans when we have a fight or sumthing. He just goes assuming that we won't talk, but I really wanted to have a nice day w/him today. He made it sound nice when he talked about it in the hallway today. I was hoping things were ok, but it always gets ruined by 6th bell. I had to be bitter and he had to be an asshole towards me about it and it upsets me that he keeps doing that, but I know I'm annoying too w/my bitterness that I always display. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was like Matthew and had friends like him.

But I'm just a nobody and nobody likes me. I hardly have friends. I might as well be alone. I've felt so alone lately. I got bad last weekend but it kinda went away during the week, but now it's back again. I've been deserted by the man who supposedly loves me for his friends and I just want him here now. Right now. To hold me. To show me he loves me, to be here like I always am for him even when I am mad. I'm crying out to u. And ur away. I love him and he's away. I need him. But he's Away. Why did I make myself so vulnerable again? It has made me week again and all the more conscious and depressed that I am alone. I will always be alone. I will ruin every relationship I'm in b/c of myself, I will never have the firends he has. He has them, I don't. I need them. I'm so lonely. W/no one to be here w/me. I don't really want pity I just want to meet cool people, but there r none. Dave smiled when they were there, he was happy. I wasn't. Matthew makes him laugh so much, and I never excite any of the stuff in him. I just see the way he looks at him and I'm just on the outside, alone. He might as well forget about me. Forget we ever met each other. I'm so worthless! I hate myself! All I can be is depressed, and I have hw to do too. No time ever, and he leaves me. I need him. He never held me. We kissed but it was not much. He wore the boots I bought him b/c I love him.

"It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. Did it??"-NIN