"i'm your casualty"

"I'm your casualty, just a casualty. All the future casualties.. The line starts after me."-SRC

Well I talked to Dave again on Wed. and asked him about him giving me my spiked collar back and he said he'd drop it by around 3:00 b/c he "forgot" it at his house, even though he was supposed to give it to me Monday. His face lit up when he saw me, his eyes all glittery. I thought it may be a good sign, but it obviously wasn't anything. He dropped it off at that time w/Adam in the car(this was the 1st day he drove to school and I happened to park right by him and noticed before I even walked in) so I couldn't do any real talking. I wanted to know his feelings, like every pathetic girl does after a break up that doesn't seem fair in her eyes. We mainly just chitchatted and after they left, I cried in my room, hard. My mom came in and tried to consol me but that only weirded me out, cuz i just wanted to be alone to let it all out.

On Thurs. I asked him if he wanted his clay head back that I have kept for a long time, but I said if he was going to throw it away then I would just keep it. Friday I didn't try to talk to him, I had a new plan.

Saturday a few minutes before 10:00 he called telling me he would be over to pick up his clay head and I said,"Ur not going to throw it away?" and he said he would just use it for his portfolio, so I reluctantly let him cuz I wasn't ready so I got ready real quickly and was trying to decide whether I should just give it to him and let him leave or talk out my feelings. I decided the latter of course. So I got into it after he came here and asked why we needed a break up instead of just a break and he said what he had said before, that we had too many problems and he was depressed w/me and that's why he's been happier in school lately. Thanks, I'm so glad I can make u happy when I feel like shit!!!!! He just doesn't get it. This last time we went out I thought it would be different and it was, but in a bad way. I was already used to being independent, supposedly, so I didn't exactly want a serious relationship and then we had to have sex so I figured we should go back out then. I always fuck up. I thought we'd be even more inlove but over the past months our relationship has just deteriorated. But I remember that one day, when he started shedding tears in the hall. I didn't know why and he told me "Have u ever just come to tears when thinking about what may happen if you lost someone so important to u?" or sumthing like that. He was crying b/c he was thinking about that thought of losing me and it made him cry. Now I just don't get how he can be so loving and emotional towards me and then ditch me for other girls. On yesterday though, he also told me that he stopped by to see Sid and Sid kissed him, telling him that he didn't want to say he was bi anymore, that he wanted to just say he was gay, and his gf was on the way over there when he had done that. Now how wrong is that? After Dave had left, that made me upset, thinking someone else thinks they could touch MY DAVE. But it got worse...

Yes, supposedly it has happened again. Dave has a gf. I don't want to believe it, but when Chris decided to tell me today on the phone BEFORE I HAD TO GO TO WORK (i haven't gone yet but i will be going in 45 minutes) that Anthony told him that Dave is supposedly going out w/this girl named Kelly and he saw them hugging and making out in the hallway and this of course, shattered me once again. It didn't help that I was basically watching a movie about love and loneliness, Artificial Intelligence, which added to my feeling of human loneliness.

We r all so lonely. Life is so depressing, and I don't know how I will ever find another guy that is better than Dave to love, another guy that will make me the most content heather in the world. I'm just so fucking lonely. I wonder how other humans can deal w/it sometimes. When I get like this, I feel like I'm the only one in the world who understands human loneliness. Everyone else wants to believe that there's other people out there for them, but I don't really believe in soulmates, it's just another thing people make up to assure themselves that they're not alone. The only luck u have is to go out there and try to find people that r the most compatable for u, and hope u find someone who u can live w/. Or u could live single, or just dating around. Whatever contents u. I'm not sure what contents me. I thought I always wanted the man that makes me so happy and that would devout himself to me for the rest of his life, but other times I just want to date around. Of course, I don't want to date around when I'm 30 or 40 though. I do want to be settled down. And then there's death. For the people who can't handle it. I think about this as an option, but I just can't stay utterly depressed for that long. I see the beautiful sky outside and the nature, and I just want to sit there and reflect. Try to see how stupid I'm being. I don't know. Death is not the answer, but is there any true happiness? Maybe only for one moment, and that moment u have to hold locked in your heart for the rest of your life. See, that is the way we have true happiness, in an instant, but never in an eternity. This is just another way to see that there is no heaven and there is no hell, nothing remains constant... And therefore, it is good to invest in material happiness b/c the material world is an easy world, u never have to be lonely when u have everything u want, and u invest in shallow thoughts b/c they won't matter as much to u, or if they do, they won't hurt u as much as loneliness from people does...

"Another night, another night, I can't take this anymore."-SRC

"How can u say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to beloved, just like everybody else does" -SRC