maybe i'm not such a whore

I had a mini-party last night. My mom, Ralph, James and his gf April and their dog Abby all went down to KY so James could visit some family that he hasn't seen in a long time, and I decided to stay home b/c I figured it would be boring for me, plus, how would we all fit in the car?

So anyway, I tried to get people together but small parties r harder to do than big ones in my opinion w/my mixed friends, so I invided over my cuz Steph. and I told Murph about me being here by myself but when I tried calling him yesterday he was never home. I finally got the nerve to call Dave Thompson's grandparents house to see where he was since my old numbers he gave me when he was living w/his mom weren't working, and just what I expected, he's living w/his grandparents again. Well his grandma was the one who answered and she wrote my number down for me so he'd have it, and he actually called me back later last night at about 10:20 when I had drank 3/4 of my screwdriver and I was giddy and so was Steph. we were just havin' fun, and I was like "U wanna come over? I'll pick u up" and he said "make sure u be careful, brush ur teeth before u leave (so cops can't smell it on ur breath just in case u get pulled over) and if ur too drunk then don't come" but i knew I was still pretty sober and could see straight so I went w/Steph. in the passenger seat and then we all got back, chatted a lil', put in Fear and Loathing, and then Steph. had to go to sleep since she had to work today and Dave kept bringin' me down talking about all this relationship shit and I was like "let's not talk about it not, I'm not sober", (oh yeah this was after we all went out on the back porch to smoke a joint) but he wouldn't leave me alone, and he kept grabbing me and talking loud, and it was pissing me off. He kept saying how I'm the only person who's ever cared about him, and I know that, but I just cannot be more than friends w/him. He kept saying that he wished I would give him another chance even though he admits he fucked it up and he doesn't deserve one, but I kept trying to tell him it was in the past and I'm diff. now but he wouldn't listen. I am just not really attracted to him at all anymore, he can be pretty ugly actually, even though I feel bad saying that. He smelled when he was over here too, bleh. But he looked good when he had a mohawk and his hair style really effects his overall appearance so I was trying to talk him into doing his green mohawk again cuz he is the epitamy (whoever u spell it) of punk and I love him for that and just being around him, I get so much more balls to do things to people, lol. I don't want to leave him when I move, he was talking about coming out there w/me and sleeping on my couch, but I was like "that's not going to work, I'm going to live w/3 other people" but I don't know. I told him I'd take him out there if he wanted me to but I don't know how things will work out. I want to always make sure he's ok and his life sucks here, maybe he could be happier in CA, but I don't realy know. I just remembered that he told me if I wanted to know anything of his past I could ask him and he woudl tell me b/c I never got the whole story. I know his parents had him when they were young and didn't want him. I know his dad's a dick and used to beat him and his stepmom used to dig her nails into his arms until he couldn't feel pain anymore in them, and his mom supposedly loves him but couldn't take care of him b/c she had other kids to take care of after him, so I don't know..

So anyway, about me being a whore, I'm not a total whore, I still can't give myself away to people that I don't really like and right now I think I only really like two people but I'll leave it up to all of u to guess who they r. Dave is not one of them though, and even though I wanted the cock last night (lol just love saying it like that cuz it's funny) I didn't let myself be touched in that way or anything. Dave and I slept together in the guest bedroom and listened to my NIN cd, but I really didn't sleep much and neither did he. He's still a really big pothead and I'm worried about his health. But he's just too messed up for it to be right w/us. I need a man who is totally diff. to be my lover, or my husband or whatever. Well I would like my husband to have the whole "i'll kick anybody's ass who pisses me off or does sumthing to heather" attitude. That's another reason why I like Dave so much, he's not really that scared of anything. He's just wacko, but in the good way. He's my wacko and if I want him to attack anyone for me, he'll do it. And that's just the kind of friend I need. Hehehe. Well I'm done for now.