kinda i want to

I had a nightmare about Douchebag Dave last night. It really sucked. Yeah, it was one of those where he comes to reconcile w/me, but he still leaves me. It starts w/me finding out that he got a job at my work, the New England Club, and then we all had to go to a group meeting. He was looking at me and I was w/all my friends (Criss, Ruby, etc.-for some reason they supposedly worked there too) and I was like "blehh, he works here?!" But then he came up to me after the meeting and we kinda looked at each other and gently, but not tightly, embraced each other. It was my way of showing him I still love him even though he fucked me over. We started talking, and then I started getting mean and he wasn't being as apologetic as I wanted him to be, and he tried to leave and I started biting at his arms, and then I bit his neck, and he was like "Ahhh!" and grabbed at it, and then I noticed it was all raw and had deep, but no longer than inch or centemeter long cuts all around it, and blood started coming out of all of them, but I was happy that I gave him some good pain. Then he left w/me cursing at him, or sumthing like that... Ugghh, these dreams will never leave I'm afraid. Even if I never talk to him again I'll prolly still have dreams about him every once in a while even 20 yrs. from now. But it's not my fault, it's his, I need to move on.. It's just so hard.

I also had a dream about Orgy Dave from my work, lol, and we were haning out or sumthing, but I can't remember that one too good. Well actually I know we were at work, during work, and I was just talking to him while I did other stuff, like I always do, but oh well. It gave me an idea. I think I know sumthing we can do together, we can go pantie shopping, lol. I'm sure he'd like that. Ha, I'm actually really considering it. I'm such a whore.

"I know it's not the right thing, and I know it's not the good thing, but kinda I want to."-NIN

Well I had a fun time at my party that I had while everyone else went out of town to see James graduate from the navy's basic training. Matthew and Sid came over and I actually got to make out w/Matthew (shh don't tell dave, hehe) and Dave was upstairs passed out. But it's not like I'm cheating, I told Dave that I couldn't be exclusive w/him and I did break up w/him, it's just I still care about him, so I'm still somewhat w/him. But anyway, Matthew and I got to talk some more about how we're attracted to each other and at one point, I'm not sure if it was when we were making out or before, he was like "Dave's really going to hate me now." and I just laughed, cuz I love fucking Dave over, then he can see what it feels like to get ur heart stomped on. But I wonder if he's really going to tell him about it or not. I hope he does, hehehe. We talked about Dave some though, about how he's inlove w/Matthew and calls him "14 times a week" and Matthew just hangs up on him after telling him to chill out. Ha, Dave's such a loser.

Meanwhile while Matthew and I were talking, Sid and Criss got to talk some too, but Sid kept getting fucked up on heroine while he was here too, which was kinda bad. I gave Sid a kiss and a hug when he showed up since he said it "better be waiting for me" since he was buying some beer and mike's hard lemonade for us. I held him and kissed him before he left too and he was like "dont be a stranger, ok?" and I was like "alright." hehe, so now me, Sid, Criss, and Matthew might get to double date since Sid suggested it, and before he left he was like "I really like Criss, he's really smart, would u please talk to him and find out if he likes me?" and I said sure, but Criss kinda does but thinks it's not good that he's always doing heroine and shit, but I told him he'll never quit. But we had a good time, even though it was a small party. Ruby did show up, but only stayed for a few hours and left. Nathan, Dave's friend, liked how she rubbed his head lol. So it ended up just being me, Dave, Nathan, Ruby, Criss, and Matthew and Sid. But it was a nice lil' get together still. I gave Matthew a quick kiss after he got in his car to go. He has a good sound system in it, lol. Well that's all.