I'm in a world of shit

"I am in... a world of shit."

I feel like shit, I did a shitty thing. It's all my fault of course, do to my unthinking brain. Sometimes I fill w/so much lust though.

Anyway, I got back intown last night, finally, after about a 3 hour delay w/all of the traffic. Sheri picked me up, we went to the store to buy a few things and alcohol b/c we were planning to get fucked up and watch Fear and Loathing, which I brought back from my grandma's w/me. I thought it would be just a girl night at first, or whatever, but of course I wouldn't care to share it w/Rich either. Well Rich was out w/Nick and I thought he'd come back alone, but he didn't, he had to bring Nick. Sheri hasn't even wanted him around as much anyway. So Nick was acting all nice or however u want to say for him, and was telling me about the Cradle/Type O/Moonspell concert coming up in Dec. and he said he was also going to play a show on Dec. 5, that he'd prolly have to take me to w/him since it's guests only or sumthing, and Sheri and Rich prolly won't go. Not their scene as much. Well anyway, I perceeded to start getting drunk, starting off w/me Smirnoff III Black, and got a buzz from it. Nick, Rich, and I went to the bathroom to smoke a fat joint, but I only took 3 hits, I didn't want to get too high. By this time we already had Fear and Loathing in. We came back out, all sat down, and Nick had been tickling me and poking me all night, which always arouses me since I'm getting male attention, and I'm a cheap whore. But I rubbed his back for him really good b/c I imagined how I wanted mine to be rubbed and he said he'd do me next, so that's another reason why I tried to make it good. So I did that, and then we switched places and he rubbed mine really good and I just felt so relaxed. Meanwhile I was drinking a bloody mary and then a screwdriver, so I was good. Well after that, I guess we sat w/each other on the love seat, where we always sit, and I put my legs across him and tried to get him to rub my feet, and I couldn't help it. I was in one of those touchy feeling moods again, and I rubbed his leg a lil', a few times, it's just when I'm like that the ectasy of touch can really get to me, and I just want to be touched all over and touch someone else all over-or many people all over, ha.

But I knew Rich and Sheri didn't want me to have anything to do w/him sexually, but it's like I just couldn't help it last night. I was feeling good and had to show him my appreciation. I don't know. I just don't think. All I thought of was my lust. Lust is such a sin.

I did want Jeff to be w/me last night, and I really wish he was, so I wouldn't have touched Nick, b/c I just really want to be in Jeff's arms, but of course that's not how things were to be.

So Rich got really pissed, but of course he didn't show it around all of us, just Sheri, and I just didn't think of it as a big deal. I was truly going to talk to Nick one day after I had gotten back and tell him that we couldn't be sexual or anything b/c that would just screw mine and his relationship up and also Rich's relationship w/him and everybody I guess. I feel like a big ass now, of course, since I did go against what Sheri and Rich advised me, but that's how I am. I don't like following other people's rules, unless they're teachers anymore. When somebody cautions me against sumthing, I just want to go and do it anyway just to prove that I can handle it. Or sumthing like that. Well I know I can't do that w/Nick. I know I'm leading him on, and I don't want to destroy anybody's relationships, so if it is all that important, then I will make sure I never do that again. I just become a hippie when I'm drunk. It's all about peace and love, lol. I don't know. I was also high too, so yeah.

"It didn't turn out the way u wanted it to. Now u know this is what it feels like."-NIN

Monday, 2003-11-24 - 12:24 a.m.