flowing glower

"I'm bipolar...."

Things get me down so easily. I called Jeff to wish him a happy new year from me AND Greg since Greg text messaged me that message and I called him and talked to him for a few min. Well anyway, Jeff happens to offhandedly mention that "there rn't any attractive girls here" at this kegger that he went to at one of his homie's house, and I said, "well why would u need any? looking for a lapdance?" since he said there were just usually stripper type girls there, and he said he'd accpet a lapdance but he would rather have one from me. Well I still couldn't help feeling hurt. I figured I needed time to think about how I should react to this. It did hurt me and confuse me as to why he would say sumthing like that if he just wanted me. That's the first time he's really said anything like that, or atleast in a while since we've been closer.

Why does love never work? Or I should say why do people never work? Love works. In its pure form, but humans always have to fuck it up don't we?

And on top of that Dave called me a few times tonight but I just let the answering machine get it. Why does he have to call when I'm trying to relax and have fun? I don't want to hear his shit anymore!

But anyway, I figure now I'm going to have to distance myself from Jeff again, until he apologies or explains further why he would say that to me. Its really no big deal, but it still hurt and I thought after I got disconnected from him that I would never say anything like that to him in the situation that we r in now, and that's how I usually make my mind up on things-whether I would do them or not in that position-like if we're supposed to be inlove then he shouldn't say shit like that, so obviously he's not too serious or is still keeping his distance even though we keep mentioning going out, but as of now, I'm just going to give that up and keep my distance again b/c I refuse to get hurt, and any small sign of it happenning I will fly the coup. That's just the way it is, fuck that shit. I'm not going to deal w/another man's bullshit again.

"Just tie a silk sheet 'round ur neck and twist it 'til ur face turns cherry red." -deadsy

I always see the inevitable end. He will not be mature enough for me. Not when it comes to serious relationships. I saw this downfall in him from the beginning and thats' why I didn't care to get too involved, but then he overturned it that night he said "I love u" and made me feel so good inside. To hear another man proclaim that to me, does he know how much that means? To be loved? Especially to me, when I always feel so alone? When I am loved I feel complete, when I'm not-well, I try to ignore that emptyness and just have fun, but as u can see, that doesn't always work. Actually, a lot of the time it doesn't. But it has been working, until guys had to plague me again starting w/Dave. Ha, well both the Dave's. I ... well even now, I can't even really wish that I never went out w/Douchebag that last time. I still remember that bear. But I don't remember much. It's all a block out of my mind. Well I guess I still have a path to follow to find my true love, if he's out there somewhere. Maybe it will end up being a woman, but I doubt it. I love cock too much. Ha. Bye.